Post by Bola on Apr 4, 2012 16:40:42 GMT -5
The lyrics used in this piece of fan-fiction, are from Everywhere. I don't own anything; it belongs to Fleetwood Mac
-------------------
Can you hear me calling out your name?
You know that I'm falling and
I don't know what to say
"Albus…. Albus, I'll be fine," Minerva said, interrupting him. She held one open hand up high to shush his very uncharacteristic babbling as she continued to scribble hastily while sitting at the desk now hers. She very much liked his deep voice, his often witty insights, thoughtful notions and commentary in all. She knew that he was just worried, but she was just fine. Someone needed to be the rock after all. If she wasn't going to, then who would it in fact be otherwise? It had been months, but the aftermath still lingered…
Indeed, it had been quite a while since she had had one night that consisted of more than a few hours of sleep. Albus had left Hogwarts in her hands, so she saw it as a responsibility for herself – maybe she herself only as well – to get it running like it did prior to the battle. Others had lost family; lost companions… had a household to keep running. She had none of that, her entire family having been taken away from her in the war with Grindelwald already – ripped away: her mother, her father, her brothers, cousins… Everyone. She hadn't had a lot of family to begin with, so a few well-organized ambushes had been enough to leave her on her own two feet, having to take care of herself from the age of twenty-one.
You see, misery hadn't ended with Grindelwald's defeat. A few of Gellert's more loyal cronies continued in line of his cause even after the dark wizard's defeat until years later – until all had either been captured or had disappeared. That year, when she had lost the last of her relatives, Albus had offered her to come teach at Hogwarts. It felt like it was an unconscious obligation, to take care of the school now that he could not be there anymore himself.
While she had been at St. Mungo's, regaining health and recovering from her own small multitude of painful injuries, most of her hours awake had been wasted on doing her best to get Hogwarts rebuilt, settling everything over distance, rather than focusing on getting better. Truth be told, Minerva's health might have depended slightly on Hogwarts' repair. She was one of the first to be released, first to return there…
She sighed. Looking over her shoulder at the now vacant portrait of Albus Dumbledore, Minerva immediately discovered why he had so easily quieted.
I'll speak a little louder
I'll even shout
You know that I'm proud and
I can't get the words out
"Albus? Albus, I'm sorry… You know that I'm grateful for…" Sighing and slightly shaking her head, Minerva stood. Two in the morning had passed, and it would be early again next day. The few hours of sleep would not be enough, but those sleepless nights would be worth it in the end when the fabled institution was running once more. Moving from the desk over to the bedroom, Minerva McGonagall momentarily thought of how it used to be, with Albus still alive. Their tasks had been neatly divided from the beginning, when she had become Albus' Deputy. Minerva had always taken care of the administration mainly. The two of them soon learned to work together quite like a tandem. None of her duties were new, though – due to having had to replace Albus as the Head on occasion.
It would never quite be the same with Filius. Of course, Filius Flitwick was a good person, good wizard, very intelligent and understanding… but so entirely different. He wasn't quite the one to be whimsical on the most unfortunate occasions, when others would least anticipate. Filius wasn't the man who would reveal himself in the most horrific of color combinations and hum through the hallowed hallways. He just wasn't Albus. Albus was not to be replaced.
Minerva was happy enough to have known him, but she was still saddened to the depths of her soul that it had had to end just like that… saddened everyday still that she could not hear his voice rumble in her ear ever again, that she could never feel his embrace anymore.
Most of the rumors circulating in Hogwarts about their Professors' love lives were bogus enough, though the ones of her and Albus… Oh yes, there had been far more than met the pupils' and even some of the colleagues' curious eyes. There had never been a need to fuel the rumors or confirm some that way.
Albus and she had been lovers, and they had even been married – a day she had never regretted. She often reminded him. She would have again, if only…
A wave of her wand extinguished the lights in the office as the door of her bedroom closed, at least for the next four to five hours… At least sleep came nearly immediately as she fell down on the bed, barely having the energy to morph her attire into a nightdress… the ebony wand slipping from her fingers already.
I want to be with you everywhere
I want to be with you everywhere
Having lived through three wars, Minerva McGonagall had lost many people whom she had never been able to say goodbye to. She had never been able to say goodbye to Gran, for instance. Gran McGonagall and she had always had a very unique understanding – one that the relation with her Mum had never really characterized, nor the one between her brothers and Gran. Gran had always been the one coming up with unique advice for everything, support her in all she did even when Mum and Dad had had doubts. Her Gran had died too early for sure. She had never even had the joy of meeting Albus.
Despite them having been married, Albus had never shared any more than the bottom line with her while alive, claiming that it was for both their interests – fearing that her endless loyalty and love for him would diminish the one to the school. She knew now, and she could not say if he had been really mistaken. Of course, Harry Potter had told her everything. Albus had told her everything in the end, once the way had come to an end. Typical Albus logic was all it could have been.
It did not make the nightmares easier, did not make her miss him any less – maybe it made her hurt even more to know that his love for her had never weakened, that it had been there still in abundance until the end. The fact that he was still there, but in another world where she couldn't hold him or touch him in any other way possible was a soothing notion and a curse at the very same time.
Every morning after a horrid nightmare, he would eye her with concern – the same look he used to give his beloved wife when still alive, in what seemed to be another lifetime, where she pushed too hard to morph in the shape of her Animagus… when he had been her mentor only, prior to their marriage without children – not that there had been a lack of trying.
Those looks came more often and were mirrored by others lately. She sometimes wondered if maybe he heard her whisper his name at night, and if others heard it as well – mostly the other portraits were all vacant on those particular mornings.
He would ask how her sleep had been, already knowing the answer but still needing that confirmation. Her answer would be followed by him noticing her looking pale and tired. She would shush him quietly with a headshake and get on with the coming day as usual.
Something's happening
Happening to me
My friends say I'm acting peculiarly
Minerva McGonagall could only still fool herself. The Headmistress' hope for some solitude and rest had been in vain; for her ever so busy schedule hadn't gotten any better since the beginning of term. Both Filius and Pomona had already noticed and remarked on the bluish color never quite leaving the skin under her eyes, how she seemed to be absent when she was actually there. She had just passed off their founded worries as nothing. Albus' were passed off daily in a way not dissimilar.
Still, Minerva seemed to have aged ten years in barely two after her spouse's untimely death, both physically but especially emotionally. In fact, she did what she had always done, but it was slowly beginning to take its toll on her: pushing herself to be the person others wanted and needed her to be – the very person on which half of the magical world depended. She wasn't very sure if she could be the one to give anyone any advice whatsoever on anything, though – if she really knew better than those who came to ask.
Those looking at her in times of great need suspected her of having no feelings, and maybe that was true to some extent. The position others needed her to be in didn't allow it – not when wanting to do it well. However, the person she let others see, the Head of Hogwarts who had never done anything else but abide by rules like it had become second nature, was only the top of the iceberg – nearly literally, too. What had become Minerva's second nature was to be the person others needed her to be, and act to be much stronger than she in fact was until night fell and when she could retreat in the sanctity of her own rooms, where she could be the person beyond – the secret still-grieving wife, the woman with feelings just like everyone else.
When the doors closed, and the day had come to an end, she could be the woman Albus had known and had desperately fallen for. Restraining emotion to a more fitting time had always been one of Minerva's strengths. She wasn't sure of how much longer she would really be able to do it, though. It had nothing at all to do with professionalism – rather humanity. If only she herself saw that.
Come on, baby
We better make a start
You better make it soon before
You break my heart
While she really tried to believe she was doing all that she could, it still didn't seem enough very often. She knew that she could not help everyone, solve every issue there ever was. Minerva McGonagall was all but naïve. She would have liked to try, though. She would have wanted to badly, to have the power to fix everything.
Sometimes it seemed like the more Minerva achieved, the more others but maybe especially she herself appeared to expect from her – the more she felt like having to be that person that had the abilities to solve everything. Why couldn't she do it all?
Tears threatened to spill from under her eyeglasses as the elder woman's quill fell to the desk. She couldn't seem to finish this letter today, having had to vanish several spelling mistakes already.
"You're pushing yourself, Minerva," Albus' voice sounded. She hadn't really heard it since last time Albus had left his frame behind. The other portraits had not been very loquacious about his whereabouts, feigning stupidity whenever she asked about her late husband.
Minerva McGonagall looked over her shoulder at the love of her life. His incredibly blue eyes seemed sad, the smile on his lips only brittle. She sighed. "I know," she admitted for the very first time.
She never would have admitted it that way if it hadn't been true; if she hadn't been on the edge. "This can't just continue, my love," he reasoned, "Filius is willing enough to help you, and while I know you really want to spare him... I ask you this once to be a little selfish and let him do what is his job. You know that you've reached the point where you really can't do it all alone much longer. You're going down under it all, my dear… and whereas I miss you more than you could ever possibly imagine and how I wish to hold you once again in my arms, your time has not come. "
"Do you remember the first time?" Minerva asked, a soft smile appearing on her lips.
"How could I forget?" Albus rhetorically asked, his smile less brittle with the memory of an excited seventeen-year-old Minerva having managed to retain her cat shape for nearly a full minute. That had been the moment when he first realized he might fall hard for her – if he hadn't already…
I want to be with you everywhere
I want to be with you everywhere
"Everything's so much harder without you here," Minerva whispered. "I don't really seem to function without you. You have been a part of my life for so very long that I don't seem to know what it is like without you anymore." She sighed, a wave of her wand enough to make the mess easily disappear. She would finish this later – tomorrow. "I've tried to do it without you, but I can't soothe myself. I've lost you, while you were the one pulling me through everything really."
"That's not true," Albus countered. "I merely reminded you of your strong willpower."
Can you hear me calling out your name?
You know that I'm falling and
I don't know what to say
Come on, baby
We better make a start
You better make it soon before
You break my heart
I want to be with you everywhere
I want to be with you everywhere
I want to be with you everywhere
I want to be with you everywhere
Minerva's face was enlightened with a smile that was more real than any of her smiles in the past two decades of her life. For seventeen years, she had reigned as Hogwarts' headmistress – until the point where she no longer was able to hold a quill steadily. War and loss had scarred the elder woman too much for her not to be showing the effect of her exhaustion physically just as well at ninety-four.
One year after her retirement, Minerva's time to go had come. Whereas she had learned to love once more – though not in a romantic way again – how to find life worthwhile and manageable without Albus, how to rediscover some happiness, she wasn't entirely sad to wake at King's Cross that day.
Her clear green eyes landed upon him first, the midnight robes and smile which really suited him. She calmly took his hand and let her late husband help her upright and fall in his arms – the embrace she had missed so very much.
"Now I can be with you everywhere," she whispered as he kissed her hair and tightened his arms.
---------------------
A/N: I do use a lot of hyphens and ellipses in my fanfic, yes... but that's my style, and I'm not just changing it. Please, let me know what you thought: if you liked it, or if this was a very difficult, very confusing story that made no sense for you as well.
-------------------
Can you hear me calling out your name?
You know that I'm falling and
I don't know what to say
"Albus…. Albus, I'll be fine," Minerva said, interrupting him. She held one open hand up high to shush his very uncharacteristic babbling as she continued to scribble hastily while sitting at the desk now hers. She very much liked his deep voice, his often witty insights, thoughtful notions and commentary in all. She knew that he was just worried, but she was just fine. Someone needed to be the rock after all. If she wasn't going to, then who would it in fact be otherwise? It had been months, but the aftermath still lingered…
Indeed, it had been quite a while since she had had one night that consisted of more than a few hours of sleep. Albus had left Hogwarts in her hands, so she saw it as a responsibility for herself – maybe she herself only as well – to get it running like it did prior to the battle. Others had lost family; lost companions… had a household to keep running. She had none of that, her entire family having been taken away from her in the war with Grindelwald already – ripped away: her mother, her father, her brothers, cousins… Everyone. She hadn't had a lot of family to begin with, so a few well-organized ambushes had been enough to leave her on her own two feet, having to take care of herself from the age of twenty-one.
You see, misery hadn't ended with Grindelwald's defeat. A few of Gellert's more loyal cronies continued in line of his cause even after the dark wizard's defeat until years later – until all had either been captured or had disappeared. That year, when she had lost the last of her relatives, Albus had offered her to come teach at Hogwarts. It felt like it was an unconscious obligation, to take care of the school now that he could not be there anymore himself.
While she had been at St. Mungo's, regaining health and recovering from her own small multitude of painful injuries, most of her hours awake had been wasted on doing her best to get Hogwarts rebuilt, settling everything over distance, rather than focusing on getting better. Truth be told, Minerva's health might have depended slightly on Hogwarts' repair. She was one of the first to be released, first to return there…
She sighed. Looking over her shoulder at the now vacant portrait of Albus Dumbledore, Minerva immediately discovered why he had so easily quieted.
I'll speak a little louder
I'll even shout
You know that I'm proud and
I can't get the words out
"Albus? Albus, I'm sorry… You know that I'm grateful for…" Sighing and slightly shaking her head, Minerva stood. Two in the morning had passed, and it would be early again next day. The few hours of sleep would not be enough, but those sleepless nights would be worth it in the end when the fabled institution was running once more. Moving from the desk over to the bedroom, Minerva McGonagall momentarily thought of how it used to be, with Albus still alive. Their tasks had been neatly divided from the beginning, when she had become Albus' Deputy. Minerva had always taken care of the administration mainly. The two of them soon learned to work together quite like a tandem. None of her duties were new, though – due to having had to replace Albus as the Head on occasion.
It would never quite be the same with Filius. Of course, Filius Flitwick was a good person, good wizard, very intelligent and understanding… but so entirely different. He wasn't quite the one to be whimsical on the most unfortunate occasions, when others would least anticipate. Filius wasn't the man who would reveal himself in the most horrific of color combinations and hum through the hallowed hallways. He just wasn't Albus. Albus was not to be replaced.
Minerva was happy enough to have known him, but she was still saddened to the depths of her soul that it had had to end just like that… saddened everyday still that she could not hear his voice rumble in her ear ever again, that she could never feel his embrace anymore.
Most of the rumors circulating in Hogwarts about their Professors' love lives were bogus enough, though the ones of her and Albus… Oh yes, there had been far more than met the pupils' and even some of the colleagues' curious eyes. There had never been a need to fuel the rumors or confirm some that way.
Albus and she had been lovers, and they had even been married – a day she had never regretted. She often reminded him. She would have again, if only…
A wave of her wand extinguished the lights in the office as the door of her bedroom closed, at least for the next four to five hours… At least sleep came nearly immediately as she fell down on the bed, barely having the energy to morph her attire into a nightdress… the ebony wand slipping from her fingers already.
I want to be with you everywhere
I want to be with you everywhere
Having lived through three wars, Minerva McGonagall had lost many people whom she had never been able to say goodbye to. She had never been able to say goodbye to Gran, for instance. Gran McGonagall and she had always had a very unique understanding – one that the relation with her Mum had never really characterized, nor the one between her brothers and Gran. Gran had always been the one coming up with unique advice for everything, support her in all she did even when Mum and Dad had had doubts. Her Gran had died too early for sure. She had never even had the joy of meeting Albus.
Despite them having been married, Albus had never shared any more than the bottom line with her while alive, claiming that it was for both their interests – fearing that her endless loyalty and love for him would diminish the one to the school. She knew now, and she could not say if he had been really mistaken. Of course, Harry Potter had told her everything. Albus had told her everything in the end, once the way had come to an end. Typical Albus logic was all it could have been.
It did not make the nightmares easier, did not make her miss him any less – maybe it made her hurt even more to know that his love for her had never weakened, that it had been there still in abundance until the end. The fact that he was still there, but in another world where she couldn't hold him or touch him in any other way possible was a soothing notion and a curse at the very same time.
Every morning after a horrid nightmare, he would eye her with concern – the same look he used to give his beloved wife when still alive, in what seemed to be another lifetime, where she pushed too hard to morph in the shape of her Animagus… when he had been her mentor only, prior to their marriage without children – not that there had been a lack of trying.
Those looks came more often and were mirrored by others lately. She sometimes wondered if maybe he heard her whisper his name at night, and if others heard it as well – mostly the other portraits were all vacant on those particular mornings.
He would ask how her sleep had been, already knowing the answer but still needing that confirmation. Her answer would be followed by him noticing her looking pale and tired. She would shush him quietly with a headshake and get on with the coming day as usual.
Something's happening
Happening to me
My friends say I'm acting peculiarly
Minerva McGonagall could only still fool herself. The Headmistress' hope for some solitude and rest had been in vain; for her ever so busy schedule hadn't gotten any better since the beginning of term. Both Filius and Pomona had already noticed and remarked on the bluish color never quite leaving the skin under her eyes, how she seemed to be absent when she was actually there. She had just passed off their founded worries as nothing. Albus' were passed off daily in a way not dissimilar.
Still, Minerva seemed to have aged ten years in barely two after her spouse's untimely death, both physically but especially emotionally. In fact, she did what she had always done, but it was slowly beginning to take its toll on her: pushing herself to be the person others wanted and needed her to be – the very person on which half of the magical world depended. She wasn't very sure if she could be the one to give anyone any advice whatsoever on anything, though – if she really knew better than those who came to ask.
Those looking at her in times of great need suspected her of having no feelings, and maybe that was true to some extent. The position others needed her to be in didn't allow it – not when wanting to do it well. However, the person she let others see, the Head of Hogwarts who had never done anything else but abide by rules like it had become second nature, was only the top of the iceberg – nearly literally, too. What had become Minerva's second nature was to be the person others needed her to be, and act to be much stronger than she in fact was until night fell and when she could retreat in the sanctity of her own rooms, where she could be the person beyond – the secret still-grieving wife, the woman with feelings just like everyone else.
When the doors closed, and the day had come to an end, she could be the woman Albus had known and had desperately fallen for. Restraining emotion to a more fitting time had always been one of Minerva's strengths. She wasn't sure of how much longer she would really be able to do it, though. It had nothing at all to do with professionalism – rather humanity. If only she herself saw that.
Come on, baby
We better make a start
You better make it soon before
You break my heart
While she really tried to believe she was doing all that she could, it still didn't seem enough very often. She knew that she could not help everyone, solve every issue there ever was. Minerva McGonagall was all but naïve. She would have liked to try, though. She would have wanted to badly, to have the power to fix everything.
Sometimes it seemed like the more Minerva achieved, the more others but maybe especially she herself appeared to expect from her – the more she felt like having to be that person that had the abilities to solve everything. Why couldn't she do it all?
Tears threatened to spill from under her eyeglasses as the elder woman's quill fell to the desk. She couldn't seem to finish this letter today, having had to vanish several spelling mistakes already.
"You're pushing yourself, Minerva," Albus' voice sounded. She hadn't really heard it since last time Albus had left his frame behind. The other portraits had not been very loquacious about his whereabouts, feigning stupidity whenever she asked about her late husband.
Minerva McGonagall looked over her shoulder at the love of her life. His incredibly blue eyes seemed sad, the smile on his lips only brittle. She sighed. "I know," she admitted for the very first time.
She never would have admitted it that way if it hadn't been true; if she hadn't been on the edge. "This can't just continue, my love," he reasoned, "Filius is willing enough to help you, and while I know you really want to spare him... I ask you this once to be a little selfish and let him do what is his job. You know that you've reached the point where you really can't do it all alone much longer. You're going down under it all, my dear… and whereas I miss you more than you could ever possibly imagine and how I wish to hold you once again in my arms, your time has not come. "
"Do you remember the first time?" Minerva asked, a soft smile appearing on her lips.
"How could I forget?" Albus rhetorically asked, his smile less brittle with the memory of an excited seventeen-year-old Minerva having managed to retain her cat shape for nearly a full minute. That had been the moment when he first realized he might fall hard for her – if he hadn't already…
I want to be with you everywhere
I want to be with you everywhere
"Everything's so much harder without you here," Minerva whispered. "I don't really seem to function without you. You have been a part of my life for so very long that I don't seem to know what it is like without you anymore." She sighed, a wave of her wand enough to make the mess easily disappear. She would finish this later – tomorrow. "I've tried to do it without you, but I can't soothe myself. I've lost you, while you were the one pulling me through everything really."
"That's not true," Albus countered. "I merely reminded you of your strong willpower."
Can you hear me calling out your name?
You know that I'm falling and
I don't know what to say
Come on, baby
We better make a start
You better make it soon before
You break my heart
I want to be with you everywhere
I want to be with you everywhere
I want to be with you everywhere
I want to be with you everywhere
Minerva's face was enlightened with a smile that was more real than any of her smiles in the past two decades of her life. For seventeen years, she had reigned as Hogwarts' headmistress – until the point where she no longer was able to hold a quill steadily. War and loss had scarred the elder woman too much for her not to be showing the effect of her exhaustion physically just as well at ninety-four.
One year after her retirement, Minerva's time to go had come. Whereas she had learned to love once more – though not in a romantic way again – how to find life worthwhile and manageable without Albus, how to rediscover some happiness, she wasn't entirely sad to wake at King's Cross that day.
Her clear green eyes landed upon him first, the midnight robes and smile which really suited him. She calmly took his hand and let her late husband help her upright and fall in his arms – the embrace she had missed so very much.
"Now I can be with you everywhere," she whispered as he kissed her hair and tightened his arms.
---------------------
A/N: I do use a lot of hyphens and ellipses in my fanfic, yes... but that's my style, and I'm not just changing it. Please, let me know what you thought: if you liked it, or if this was a very difficult, very confusing story that made no sense for you as well.
