In Your Head

[griseldalafey]

I feel so, so sorry for Minerva. (And I fear that I will have to add another 'so' to every chapter )

But wonderfully written.

Griselda,
*crossing her fingers to the point of breaking for a happy ending*

[KayleeTonksLupin]

nooooooo, poor Minny, poor Albus, I want Albus to get well, please please please!!!!!! *begs*

Kaylee-wolf treats abound anyway, since it's well written! And half are lemon-flavored. :-)

Kaylee

[Sola]

arg..get.better.albus.get.better!...

there was a point where I thought :yay.yay.he's alright!He remembers her! Everything will be fine!...that was when min told him that she miss him...and than!...he's getting all strange again...

arg...I'll scratch my face to no end...

Everything will be alright...won't it?

Anyway...*beggingforupdateAGAIN*

Sola

[Amandah Leigh]

Oh no! I was just really getting into this...and now..I have to stop...because there's no more!
Please update!

AL

[Nerweniel]

Zes

When Minerva arrived home, mere minutes later, the first- and main- thing she noticed was a letter, yellowish, addressed to her in a clear, dark blue handwriting which she vaguely recognized, lying right where it had been delivered, on her kitchen table. The late afternoon sunlight lightly touched the material of the envelope and suddenly, despite the cosy surroundings which she knew so very well, Minerva could not ignore the feeling of slight distress which had suddenly popped up low in her stomach.
“And what is this, I wonder?” the young Auror muttered out loud before, with a slight, inexplicable feeling of fear, taking a closer look at the envelope. As the letter she took out of it happened to bear the crest of Hogwarts in the upper right corner, a slight sigh of relief left Minerva’s thin lips- a sigh immediately balanced by her next, sharp, intake of breath.
“Professor Dippet- you can’t do this to me- you simply can’t.”
Leaning her black-haired, now ruffled head on her arms in an uncharacteristically emotional gesture, Minerva bit her lips- hard. Only as a small stream of blood ran down her chin and she tasted its salt on her lips did she look up again.
What lay in front of her, she knew, was her dream. Her dream of years within the reach of her hands- all she had to do was grasp it… and yet at the same time she knew very well that exactly that she could not, never, do. She could never accept Armando Dippet’s offer- for that would mean giving Albus up, and had she not said mere minutes earlier that exactly that she would never do?
“Professor, I’m sorry, but you must see that- I can’t. Not possibly- not ever.”
It was with a trembling hand that she took up the quill always lying atop of her desk- and it was with nothing less than shaking fingers that she started writing a polite, yet definitely negative reply.
“Dear Professor Dippet,
I am very honoured by your offering me the position of Transfiguration Teacher at Hogwarts, but alas I feel I must decline. My personal feelings about the matter of Professor Dumbledore’s illness do not permit me to accept your offer, no matter how much I have always wished for a position as a Hogwarts teacher.
I will be honest with you, Professor- I love Professor Dumbledore. I have been in love with him since before that blasted war started, and he was in love with me, too. And though he does not even remember me anymore now, I have the feeling I need to stay close to him. I am sorry.
Very sincerely,
Minerva Caitríona McGonagall”
A new envelope and a little burgundy wax closed the letter away from prying eyes- and already Minerva felt hot tears dripping down her cheeks. It was all so unfair- so damn, damn unfair. She had never loved or been loved before- not ever had she strayed from her right, clear path of efficiency, or seriousness- she had never looked for love and thus never missed it, but somehow there had, always, been a deep loneliness inside of her- a loneliness which she had always considered just a part of that personality, until he had come.
Though in a way, Minerva had always stayed the loner she used to be, he had shown her, guided her into, another way of life. It had lasted such a very short time, but it had been there, and she had, finally, felt accepted, felt loved.
With a sigh, Minerva covered her eyes with hands, shaking her head in the process.
Deep down, she knew that the chances that she’d ever get Albus, her Albus, back were slim. Deep down, she realized that he, her Albus, would have wanted her to move on- and yet just as deep down, she knew that she would never be able to do such a thing.
One cannot control one’s emotions, Minerva realized at that very moment- just as well as she realized that accepting that fact had always been her greatest weakness.
This time, though, she would accept it. She couldn’t alter, she couldn’t lessen what she felt for Albus Dumbledore- and perhaps she never would.
It was with another sigh that she attached her letter to Dippet to the leg of her owl- and as she watched the small, grey spot against the darkening sky grow smaller, a faint, bitter smile played around the corners of her mouth.
“Bring my letter to Dippet, Morag- and make it clear to him that I love Albus Dumbledore. And this will never change.”

[angeldust]

oh poor Minerva, everythings just so awful for her I do hope the sun comes out soon...

[griseldalafey]

He. must. get. better.

Poor Minerva *sob*

I'm glad you've updated though

[Sola]

Like I said, awesome story

No, realy, it's....awesome! Throu I hoped the letter would be from Albus or sth....
...but I'm sure there will be one!

Anyway...think about the kiddies...

Sola

[DumbledoresKitten]

Oh thank gods for a new chapter. I was having problems with it at ff.net
Wow! Min is so devoted and so brave. Giving up (for now) on her life long dream to stay with Albus and help him get better.
You're really hitting all emotions with this one. Keep it coming
cat

[Jaya]

WHat a great story you are writing! I cn feel Minerva's pain... and her steadfastness. How like her to stand strong for the man she loves.

I can't wait to read more!

Jaya

[QuillofMinerva]

Albus get better soon please.

Minerva did a very unselfish thing by refusing the job!

Great update

Clayre x

[AngelQueen]

*wipes away a tear* How tragic...

Such a beautiful story, all the more enhanced by the emotions it invokes... One can almost feel Minerva's pain as she faces the reality that Albus no longer recognizes her.

Excellent work, however. Can't wait for more!

AQ

[Karlynne]

I felt like I could handle a bit of angst today and I'm glad I was able to catch up with this story. Of course, now I want an update. Karlie

[Nerweniel]

Zeven

“Miss, I’m sorry, but it’s getting later…”

The young Mediwitch Annabel, plump and still clearly embarrassed because of her mistake of days earlier, stood in the door-opening, cheeks fiery red, watery blue eyes uncertainly scanning Minerva’s face. The black-haired Auror smiled, though- she had forgiven Annabel days ago. Unwillingly yet surely getting up from her chair, she cast the other woman a short nod.

“I know, Annabel. I should be going home.”

And go home she did. Once more greeting the already sleeping man in the bed with a couple of tender, desperate words which she knew very well he did not understand, the woman- once more- turned her back towards him and then, feet stepping away in a slow, almost melancholic rhythm even she herself didn’t notice, pulled the door shut behind her back. Once more.

Arriving home that night was a very lonely experience indeed- but then again it always was, and despite it all, Minerva was very glad when, finally, she could sink back into the dark red cushions of her comfortable couch. Leaning back her head against the thick velvet, a sigh escaped her lips as she closed her eyes.

It all felt so useless. She felt so useless. The man she loved, her Albus, was lying in that bed in the hospital, suffering, losing his mind more and more- for she did not see any improvement whatsoever- and all she could do was sit beside him and, if she was lucky, hold his hand. Which, she had to admit to her own, rational self, did not help a single bit.

It frustrated her.

It was at exactly that moment that she spotted- once more- a letter, lying really quite obviously atop of her kitchen table and once more she couldn’t but feel a vague sense of worry as, again, she recognized the Hogwarts crest on the envelope.

Dippet. Again. Minerva realized wearily. Hadn’t she made her choice clear enough then? A slight feeling of irritation at the man’s obvious perseverance wrinkled her forehead- yet the young woman started to read- and immediately wished she had not.

“My dear Minerva,

Though I do understand your feelings for Professor Dumbledore and realize that you find yourself in a highly uncomfortable situation here, I would like to ask you to- please- not immediately reject my offer. You are a young, intelligent, ambitious woman, and a job of Hogwarts is, in my opinion, definitely a good career option for you to consider.

Furthermore, I will equally honest with you as you were with me. Since I am both a man and in less of an… emotional relationship with Albus, the Healers have a tendency to be more honest about his condition with me than with you, and I can tell you this; things do not look very good for him, Minerva. You are an intelligent woman, you must have noticed that there is no improvement yet and with every passing day, the chances of him ever recovering grow slimmer and slimmer.

I am not telling you this to break your heart, my dear- but I am telling you this before I think a woman like you should know. I don’t believe in women having to be “protected” from this sort of news- and I would especially hate seeing you, you of all women, waste your life like this while- and I mean this- I am sure Albus would want you to live instead.

Minerva, as an ex-teacher of yours, I beg you to think it over.

Very sincerely,

Armando Dippet”

It was with tears in her eyes that the young, black-haired Auror covered her face with her hands, sinking down on the sofa again.

What was she supposed to do now?

[Sola]

Ahhh...what is she suposed to do?

Cruel Armando....wanting to have a decision from her, that is soooo hard to make. He might only want her best....but still!

I hope he'll be alright.....or...actually I know!

Anyway...hehe...you REALY did updade a story before starting sth new? Have been afrait for your remaining lifes? ;D

Sola

[Adrasteia]

Poor Minerva
Armando was actually a bit cruel, forcing her to make such a difficult decision. Albus must get better. Maybe some lemon drops can help him?
So sad but wonderfully written.
Adrasteia

[snowcat]

my god he must get better. and I think it is a wonderful story.

[Nerweniel]

Acht

To Rikki, as a characteristically wild cuddle and a big thanks for a week I will most definitely never forget. Dear Be Frie, washbear, sponge, in short: mummy, thank you.

Sleep was an unknown luxury to Minerva that night. Every time she closed her eyes, she saw his face- every time she opened them again, exactly the same thing happened. It frustrated her in a way- and it made her desperate in another. She had always been able to suppress what was in her heart to the benefit of what was in her mind- and yet suddenly, exactly that act had become impossibly difficult.

And it sickened her. It sickened Minerva that when she turned around beneath the thin bed sheets, she felt her own sweat soaking her nightgown- it sickened her that when she sat up to take a sip of water, the tears from her eyes mingled with the fluid dripping down her forehead.

Most of all, though, it sickened her that the drawers of her head, the drawers of her heart, had been opened at last after years and years of peaceful closure- and the contents had been spilled. And she, organized Minerva McGonagall, could for the first time in her life not see order in the chaos.

It frightened her.

Another turn and a few mighty kicks of her feet against the mattress later, Minerva settled her dark-haired head into the pillow with a nod- filled with a determination she did not feel. A decision had to be made- had to be made soon, and Minerva had always been good with decisions. That was a fact.

Unfortunately, she thought with heartfelt sarcasm, facts didn’t really seem to matter anymore.

***

It was a different Minerva McGonagall who stepped into St. Mungo’s the next morning- and not just on the inside- on the outside as well. Her face, though still pretty, had grown harder over one night- as if her usually delicate futures had suddenly been set in marble and had somehow failed to acquire the serenity that was so inherent to that particular material.

Her hair, deprived of its usual wave, was held back, not in a braid but in the bun that would later become the young woman’s trademark- and her eyes were, for the very first time, more grey than green as she greeted the young nurse called Annabel with a calm nod.

“Good morning.”

Her way towards his room was undisturbed, the way it usually was- yet it was only as she heavily leant one arm against the doorpost and was greeted by a merry, be it sleepy, “Mother! How are you feeling today?” a grim smile enfolded on Minerva’s lips.

“Quite frankly, I am not that well, Albus. How are you?”
“Why, I am fine, of course, but what is wrong with you, mother- is it your rheumatism again?”

The worry in his eyes was genuine- it pained her- yet Minerva could not stop a dry chuckle from escaping her lips.

“No, my dear, dear Albus. It is not my rheumatism. I have to say goodbye to you, Albus. That’s what’s wrong.”

For a moment, she believed he really understood what she said- yet then, the blur she had so become used to descended again over his no longer sapphire blue eyes- and as he spoke, she bitterly smiled.

“Goodbye? Mother- I don’t understand…”

As Minerva bowed over him and pressed a kiss to his forehead, the auburn-haired man suddenly shut up. It was at that moment that, for the first time, the black-haired witch’s marble façade was broken for a moment- as she smiled, nearly tenderly.

“Some things you just cannot understand yet, my Albus. But one day- one day you will. I still believe that. Good-bye.”

As her dark green dress disappeared from the sight of the man on the bed, though, Minerva McGonagall made the mistake of not turning around, of not looking back.

Perhaps if she had- if she had, for the last time, cast a gaze at his lying form- if her eyes had locked with his once more- perhaps in that case she would have seen the sapphire flicker which was, just for a split second, painfully visible in his eyes.

Perhaps.

[Sola]

You.Can't.Just.Bloody.Stop.Here!!!!!

Really great Chapter thou. I like how Min wears a bun. But still....evil evil evil you.

At least the end might bring some hope. Maybe at her next visite?

[griseldalafey]

Poor Minerva. I can understand though why she wants to move on.

But this is a *very* evil cliffhanger. Please... I want to know what happens next.

[DumbledoresKitten]

I agree 100% with Sola

"You.Can't.Just.Bloody.Stop.Here!!!!!"

please post again soon

cat

[LadyJolly]

I too Agree with Sola but I'm not going to quote ehehehhe anyways that's so ahhhh I hope Albus indeed soon understand. And get better so please do write more and post more soon.

Lady Jolly

[Nerweniel]

Negen

My sincere apologies for the ghastly delay, have been occupied with my notorious novel (ahem) and with Oxford stuff that is now- hopefully- alright. Thanks to everyone who bore with me and thanks to everyone who’s still reading this.

Minerva decided to go to Hogwarts by broom; it had been a while since she had last flown, after all- and maybe the winds blowing around her head would finally chase all her thoughts away. She wasn’t even disappointed when it didn’t work.

She didn’t want to forget, after all. She didn’t want to forget what they had shared, what they had said, how he had looked at her- but she did not want to forget, either, how he had lain there, how his blue eyes had been empty, and worse still- how they had quit being empty in the end.

No, Minerva McGonagall did not want to forget. She had seen, she had seen in the very condition of the man she loved how horrible it was to forget things- however hurtful they were, however sad. She did not want to forget a thing- except, perhaps, that thought that kept on bothering her. It was the thought of how things could have been.

Still, when the castle of Hogwarts appeared on the horizon, Minerva found herself smiling- and wishing that things could stay exactly the way they were at that moment. And maybe they would; Maybe the sun would freeze against the sky, maybe the castle and all its inhabitants would stand still- maybe the day would never turn into night again, and she… maybe she would never have to land again.

But that wish, the young witch decided a moment later, was the product of mere cowardice and not worthy of a Gryffindor. Armando counted on her, now, and she would not break her promise to the Headmaster.

When she entered the castle, for a split second she felt like a student again- but that thought brought too many hurtful memories along and she pushed it away, forcing a smile on her face as she noticed the rather short, bony figure of Headmaster Dippet walking in her direction.

“Minerva, my child!”

Being hugged by Armando Dippet was a rather unreal feeling, Minerva decided a moment later- and not just because the man was about two inches shorter than she was. It was not unpleasant, but she knew the man meant it as a means of comfort- and it did not comfort her, not in the least.

It merely reminded her of the fact that she had left Albus alone.

Once, they had stood on the battlefield together, side by side, and he had told her that he would never leave her alone- no matter what. She had been surprised and had returned the promise, because it had felt like the right thing to do- and because she had felt she would not live but to keep it.

Now, she had left him alone, as literally as possible- no matter what.

What was her excuse?

“Professor Dippet.” the black-haired woman acknowledged with a smile, but still, as she held the short, elderly wizard at an arm’s length, she once more felt one particularly nasty question popping up its ugly head inside of her mind.

“Why does he get to live ‘till this age, while Albus…?”

It was a horrible thing to wonder about, and she was well aware of it, cheeks blushing a dark red as she followed the wizard to the rooms he had had prepared for her. Armando could not help what had happened to Albus- and the question she was asking herself equalled nothing more or less than questioning fate.

But then again, accepting things the way they were had never been one of Minerva McGonagall’s strengths.

[Jessabelle]

Is there more? I just read the entire story and it s very good! You write with a great deal of emotion. Please update again soon!
- Jess

[Amandah Leigh]

This is a wonderful angst fic! It's wonderful in general, actually, but incredibly angsty! I love it.

[Kierah]

Meep.

-cries-

More please. -wipes eyes with large tartan handkerchief-

[gingerkitten]

Please post more soon!!!