Post by Lamenting Quill on Oct 24, 2006 21:01:35 GMT -5
Disclaimer: Harry Potter characters belong to JK and all others involved. Song lyrics in this fic belong to Loretta Lynn and all others involved.
These tears I cry are tears for you; they caress my cheeks in doleful resemblance of how your kisses once did. I wrap my arms around my trembling body, but it is nothing like that way your strong arms used to hold me. My heart beats painfully within my aching chest, but it is not out of desire and anticipation as it once was, but a sorrow so deep I feel I could drown. Small tremors wrack my frame, but they are not tremors of culminated passion as those few nights ago, but are tremors of grief; with each one I feel as though my body is being torn in two.
I ache for you, I long for you, yet I cannot have you; not anymore. When I first heard those two little words, I couldn’t believe them; I refused to believe them. ‘He’s dead,’ they told me, and I remember going numb. They slid a chair beneath me before I sank to the ground, and I was in shock. It couldn’t be true; I longed for it not to be true. It wasn’t until later, lying alone in our bed, that I realised you truly weren’t coming back; that you never would. I can’t put the sheer feeling of loneliness into words, my grief, and my sorrow. I was overcome with emotion; just as I was when I first realised that you returned my feelings, when we shared our first kiss – though these emotions were much different, and much less welcome. When you died, a part of me died with you.
I’ll never forget the scene that played out before me. Even though I was still in shock, I remember every detail, as I watched Hagrid carry your body, and place you on the table. You looked so frail, so helpless, and I longed to rush forward and scoop you into my arms, to make everything all right. But this is something that I cannot fix, no matter how I wish to try. I watched as the cool white marble encased you, removing you from my tear-filled gaze. It was just as well; I couldn’t bear to see you that way, so broken, so damaged, so lifeless. It was far from my memories of you, and I longed to see those twinkling blue eyes, that knowing smile, and that boyish expression when you were presented with a new and interesting candy.
I had been strong; I was still being strong. I had to; I knew it was what you wanted. I had decisions to make concerning the school, and you had entrusted me with the task. I wasn’t about to let you down. But when the day is over, and I’m in our bed, it is all I can do to wake to another morning. Without you my days feel so empty, my nights feel so empty; I feel so empty.
As I ready myself for another day, I put on my tartan robes, the green ones that you always favoured me in. I wind my hair up into its customary bun, and even this mundane task seems to make me think you. But then again, everything makes me think of you. You always preferred my hair down, and when the teaching day was through, you would always walk into our rooms, a smile on your face and a twinkle in your eye. ‘Let your hair down, Minerva,’ you would say, and I would always comply. You would run your fingers through it lovingly, kiss me even more so, and then we would sit and discuss our day.
I always cherished those moments, and every time I walk into the rooms we shared I find myself expecting you to say those words. Even though you do not, cannot, I take my hair down anyway. I sit on the couch alone, I tell you about my day; wherever you are, I know that you are listening. You always listened, even when I wasn’t speaking.
Sometimes the urge to join you is so strong, I just feel like giving in to it. But I know that I am needed here. You made that clear, before you left that dreadful night. I think that you knew you wouldn’t be coming back. You never told me, but I could tell in the way you kissed me, in the way you lingered close, in the soft words of love you spoke in my ear. I’d asked to come along, knowing fully well that I couldn’t. You had smiled and cupped my cheek, and said the words I will never forget. “I have always needed you, Minerva; but Hogwarts needs you more.”
I didn’t realise how significant those words were at the time, but after you were gone, gone for good, I knew. It was your way of telling me that I have to go on without you. There is still much to be done. I do not know everything that happened that night, or in the nights leading up to it. I knew that you couldn’t tell me. And though I feel such a hatred for Severus Snape, I know that I cannot seek revenge. You told me so for months; made me promise, even. ‘Minerva, come what may, you must hold faith in Severus. This is most important. You must not doubt him. Please, Minerva, promise me.’
I of course promised you. I could never deny you anything. But when I made that promise, I had no idea that you expected me to hold faith in a man that would be your murderer. I have not seen Snape since that night, and perhaps that is for the better. However, I know that you had your reasons, and even now, I do not doubt them. No matter how I wish to make Snape feel the pain that I feel, I will not. I promised you, and I never break a promise; least of all to you.
Some might think me crazy, but there are times when I close me eyes, and all is still and quiet; and it is almost like I feel you right here with me, talking to me, comforting me. I miss you so much that it gets hard to breathe, but I force the bitter air into my lungs for I know, you wouldn’t want me to give up. ‘Hogwarts needs you more.’ Those words give me the strength to go on. Yet every night, I still find myself half wishing not to wake; that I might live in my dreams, for in my dreams, I’m still where I belong; in your arms.
I never cared much for sweets; but I can’t remember a time when you didn’t have at least one piece of candy hidden in your robes. I find myself feeling foolish now at times, that even though I never enjoyed them, I rarely am seen anymore without a pocket full of sherbet lemons. The truth is, when I eat them as you so soften did, I feel close to you; in that candy, I taste your kisses; perhaps the sweetest things I ever overindulged in. I could never get enough of you, and I always found it astounding that you could ever be interested in a plain girl like me. However, I am forever grateful that you were.
As I look back on our life together, I see all the hardships we had to face, the war and loss of loved ones. Our path was not an easy one, but you always made the obstacles easier to overcome, the hardships easier to bear. Anytime I stumbled, you were right there at my side, catching me before I fell, steadying me back on solid ground. With you, the good always outweighed the bad, and no matter how busy you would become, you always made time for me. So many people demanded your attentions, yet you were never too tired to show me how much you loved me. You were never too exhausted to lend a patient ear.
As I lie here in our bed right now, I allow my tears to finally fall; tears that I have contained throughout yet another day without you. My hand travels longingly over your side of the bed, wishing that you would suddenly appear, but my hand only ever touches the cold sheets. I snuggle up with your pillow, inhaling deeply. I spray your cologne on it regularly, so I can continue to smell your fragrance; it is not the same, but it helps me get to sleep.
I smile through my tears as memories of you flow through my weary mind; memories of your soft kisses, your gentle caresses, your seductive whispers. I can almost feel your body against mine as you show your desire for me. You always made me happy, and could always make me smile. I was proud to be your successor, prouder to be your best friend, but proudest to be your wife.
I lie here in the darkness, sobs wracking my aching body. I miss your smile, I miss that twinkle in your eye, I miss that mischievous look you always got when you tried to ‘get me in the mood’ as you often did. I miss your touch, I miss your kisses, and I miss your voice. I miss our walks, I miss our talks, and I miss the special way you made me feel. I miss the way you left your dirty clothes on the floor, your bath towels in the tub, and how you always left your slippers right where I would trip over them. I miss your temper, your childishness, your carefree frivolity. There are so many things that I miss, but most of all, I miss being your Mrs.
Author’s Note: A little something for you until I update ‘Delicious Torment’! Sorry, I know it’s kind of sad, but my muse wouldn’t leave me alone until I wrote it, and as I wanted to get back to my WIP, I could do nothing but comply. I hope that you enjoyed it!
Cheers,
Lamenting Quill
Miss Being Mrs.
By
Lamenting Quill
By
Lamenting Quill
I lie here all alone,
In my bed of memories
I'm dreamin' of your sweet kiss,
Oh, how you loved on me.
I can almost feel you with me,
Here in this blue moonlight,
Oh, I miss being Mrs., tonight
In my bed of memories
I'm dreamin' of your sweet kiss,
Oh, how you loved on me.
I can almost feel you with me,
Here in this blue moonlight,
Oh, I miss being Mrs., tonight
These tears I cry are tears for you; they caress my cheeks in doleful resemblance of how your kisses once did. I wrap my arms around my trembling body, but it is nothing like that way your strong arms used to hold me. My heart beats painfully within my aching chest, but it is not out of desire and anticipation as it once was, but a sorrow so deep I feel I could drown. Small tremors wrack my frame, but they are not tremors of culminated passion as those few nights ago, but are tremors of grief; with each one I feel as though my body is being torn in two.
I ache for you, I long for you, yet I cannot have you; not anymore. When I first heard those two little words, I couldn’t believe them; I refused to believe them. ‘He’s dead,’ they told me, and I remember going numb. They slid a chair beneath me before I sank to the ground, and I was in shock. It couldn’t be true; I longed for it not to be true. It wasn’t until later, lying alone in our bed, that I realised you truly weren’t coming back; that you never would. I can’t put the sheer feeling of loneliness into words, my grief, and my sorrow. I was overcome with emotion; just as I was when I first realised that you returned my feelings, when we shared our first kiss – though these emotions were much different, and much less welcome. When you died, a part of me died with you.
I’ll never forget the scene that played out before me. Even though I was still in shock, I remember every detail, as I watched Hagrid carry your body, and place you on the table. You looked so frail, so helpless, and I longed to rush forward and scoop you into my arms, to make everything all right. But this is something that I cannot fix, no matter how I wish to try. I watched as the cool white marble encased you, removing you from my tear-filled gaze. It was just as well; I couldn’t bear to see you that way, so broken, so damaged, so lifeless. It was far from my memories of you, and I longed to see those twinkling blue eyes, that knowing smile, and that boyish expression when you were presented with a new and interesting candy.
I had been strong; I was still being strong. I had to; I knew it was what you wanted. I had decisions to make concerning the school, and you had entrusted me with the task. I wasn’t about to let you down. But when the day is over, and I’m in our bed, it is all I can do to wake to another morning. Without you my days feel so empty, my nights feel so empty; I feel so empty.
Like so many other hearts,
Mine wanted to be free,
I've been put here every day,
Since you've been away from me
My reflection in the mirror,
It's such a hurtful sight,
Oh I miss being Mrs. tonight
Mine wanted to be free,
I've been put here every day,
Since you've been away from me
My reflection in the mirror,
It's such a hurtful sight,
Oh I miss being Mrs. tonight
As I ready myself for another day, I put on my tartan robes, the green ones that you always favoured me in. I wind my hair up into its customary bun, and even this mundane task seems to make me think you. But then again, everything makes me think of you. You always preferred my hair down, and when the teaching day was through, you would always walk into our rooms, a smile on your face and a twinkle in your eye. ‘Let your hair down, Minerva,’ you would say, and I would always comply. You would run your fingers through it lovingly, kiss me even more so, and then we would sit and discuss our day.
I always cherished those moments, and every time I walk into the rooms we shared I find myself expecting you to say those words. Even though you do not, cannot, I take my hair down anyway. I sit on the couch alone, I tell you about my day; wherever you are, I know that you are listening. You always listened, even when I wasn’t speaking.
Sometimes the urge to join you is so strong, I just feel like giving in to it. But I know that I am needed here. You made that clear, before you left that dreadful night. I think that you knew you wouldn’t be coming back. You never told me, but I could tell in the way you kissed me, in the way you lingered close, in the soft words of love you spoke in my ear. I’d asked to come along, knowing fully well that I couldn’t. You had smiled and cupped my cheek, and said the words I will never forget. “I have always needed you, Minerva; but Hogwarts needs you more.”
I didn’t realise how significant those words were at the time, but after you were gone, gone for good, I knew. It was your way of telling me that I have to go on without you. There is still much to be done. I do not know everything that happened that night, or in the nights leading up to it. I knew that you couldn’t tell me. And though I feel such a hatred for Severus Snape, I know that I cannot seek revenge. You told me so for months; made me promise, even. ‘Minerva, come what may, you must hold faith in Severus. This is most important. You must not doubt him. Please, Minerva, promise me.’
I of course promised you. I could never deny you anything. But when I made that promise, I had no idea that you expected me to hold faith in a man that would be your murderer. I have not seen Snape since that night, and perhaps that is for the better. However, I know that you had your reasons, and even now, I do not doubt them. No matter how I wish to make Snape feel the pain that I feel, I will not. I promised you, and I never break a promise; least of all to you.
Some might think me crazy, but there are times when I close me eyes, and all is still and quiet; and it is almost like I feel you right here with me, talking to me, comforting me. I miss you so much that it gets hard to breathe, but I force the bitter air into my lungs for I know, you wouldn’t want me to give up. ‘Hogwarts needs you more.’ Those words give me the strength to go on. Yet every night, I still find myself half wishing not to wake; that I might live in my dreams, for in my dreams, I’m still where I belong; in your arms.
And how I loved them loving arms,
That once held me so tight,
I took off my wedding band,
And put it on my right hand,
I miss being Mrs. tonight.
Oh I miss being Mrs. tonight
That once held me so tight,
I took off my wedding band,
And put it on my right hand,
I miss being Mrs. tonight.
Oh I miss being Mrs. tonight
I never cared much for sweets; but I can’t remember a time when you didn’t have at least one piece of candy hidden in your robes. I find myself feeling foolish now at times, that even though I never enjoyed them, I rarely am seen anymore without a pocket full of sherbet lemons. The truth is, when I eat them as you so soften did, I feel close to you; in that candy, I taste your kisses; perhaps the sweetest things I ever overindulged in. I could never get enough of you, and I always found it astounding that you could ever be interested in a plain girl like me. However, I am forever grateful that you were.
As I look back on our life together, I see all the hardships we had to face, the war and loss of loved ones. Our path was not an easy one, but you always made the obstacles easier to overcome, the hardships easier to bear. Anytime I stumbled, you were right there at my side, catching me before I fell, steadying me back on solid ground. With you, the good always outweighed the bad, and no matter how busy you would become, you always made time for me. So many people demanded your attentions, yet you were never too tired to show me how much you loved me. You were never too exhausted to lend a patient ear.
As I lie here in our bed right now, I allow my tears to finally fall; tears that I have contained throughout yet another day without you. My hand travels longingly over your side of the bed, wishing that you would suddenly appear, but my hand only ever touches the cold sheets. I snuggle up with your pillow, inhaling deeply. I spray your cologne on it regularly, so I can continue to smell your fragrance; it is not the same, but it helps me get to sleep.
I smile through my tears as memories of you flow through my weary mind; memories of your soft kisses, your gentle caresses, your seductive whispers. I can almost feel your body against mine as you show your desire for me. You always made me happy, and could always make me smile. I was proud to be your successor, prouder to be your best friend, but proudest to be your wife.
I lie here in the darkness, sobs wracking my aching body. I miss your smile, I miss that twinkle in your eye, I miss that mischievous look you always got when you tried to ‘get me in the mood’ as you often did. I miss your touch, I miss your kisses, and I miss your voice. I miss our walks, I miss our talks, and I miss the special way you made me feel. I miss the way you left your dirty clothes on the floor, your bath towels in the tub, and how you always left your slippers right where I would trip over them. I miss your temper, your childishness, your carefree frivolity. There are so many things that I miss, but most of all, I miss being your Mrs.
Oh, I miss being Mrs., tonight
Author’s Note: A little something for you until I update ‘Delicious Torment’! Sorry, I know it’s kind of sad, but my muse wouldn’t leave me alone until I wrote it, and as I wanted to get back to my WIP, I could do nothing but comply. I hope that you enjoyed it!
Cheers,
Lamenting Quill
