Post by laundry basket on Jun 29, 2007 21:25:26 GMT -5
Rated: T for Teen. That's right, kids, some sexual insinuations. . . 
Author's Note: Parodies rock my socks
They are the light of my life, really.
Well, them and my reading lamp, but that's beside the point.
Anyway, random Parody humor. Enjoy!
-:-
Minerva McGonagall sat in her office, grading a stack of essays that her third-years had written. After realizing she had exhausted an entire bottle of red ink, she leaned back in her chair and sighed slowly.Today had been so tragically boring she honestly didn't know what to do -- it was like the forces of the universe wanted her to go do something spontaneous.
As if that would happen, but it was quite nice of the universe to ask.
Resigning herself to the fact that these essays would not grade themselves, Minerva leaned over her desk once again, only to be interrupted by a loud knock on her office door.
"Come i--" she began, but she hadn't even finished when the door burst open. Minerva looked up with mild surprise as Harry Potter marched across the room toward her.
"Mr. Potter, is there something I can do for you?" she asked lightly.
He responded by bursting into tears.
"What in the world?" she muttered, stunned, as the messy-haired boy stood in front of her, sobbing his heart out.
"Oh, Professor!" he wailed. "I'm so misunderstood! The angst! The trauma! It's just too much to bear!"
Minerva was about to ask him to contain himself, when he suddenly lurched forward and grabbed the essay she had been marking.
"What are you doing?" she cried as Harry ran the paper across his arm.
"I'm suicidal! I'm going to die of paper cuts!" he sobbed, seeming not to notice that the essay was not cutting his skin.
"Would you please get a grip --" Minerva started in an alarmed voice, but was cut off as he suddenly dropped the essay onto the floor and ran a hand through is hair.
"But why would I want to die? I'm a gorgeous, suave womanizer. Everyone wants me!" he cried delightedly. "Even . . . EVEN YOU!" He added to the last part by pushing a finger dramatically toward his very stunned Transfiguration professor.
"I don't want you! What is going on?" Minerva exclaimed, circling around her desk. "Harry, do you need to go to the Hospital Wing?"
"WHAT ARE YOU SUGGESTING?" he roared. "I AM A HUMAN BEING!"
"Well, I'd sort of guessed," Minerva muttered to herself.
"IS THAT A JOKE?!"
"Kind of," she replied, rubbing her forehead. Something was obviously not right.
Her reverie and Harry's screams were interrupted, however, but her door being pushed tentatively open again. Minerva couldn't hide her relief when Hermione Granger stepped in to her office.
"Thank Merlin, Miss Granger! Mister Potter is acting very strangely," she informed the girl, who was glancing around the room shiftily. "Erm, Hermione?" Minerva asked. "Are you listening to me?" Hermione laughed in a high voice.
"Of course I am! I'm listening, I am! I AM, DAMMIT!" Minerva drew back fearfully.
"Um, okay, that's good . . ."
"Why would you say I wasn't listening? I'm a girl! I have feelings!" she whimpered, and Minerva was afraid she was going to start crying too.
"I know that --"
"I'M ALSO A DEATHEATER IN DISGUISE! MUAHAHA!"
"What the fu --"
"Should I be taking notes right now?" Hermione suddenly squeaked in a terrified manner. "You can't apparate inside Hogwarts!"
"I am very aware of that fact, Miss Granger!" Minerva snapped. "Now would you please tell me what is going on?"
"Oh, before you forget, we're meeting in the Astronomy tower tonight, because of our student/teacher relationship and all," Hermione pointed out. Minerva's eyes nearly fell out of their sockets.
"We do not -- I don't -- what are you --"
Hermione, it seemed, could not be bothered to watch her teacher stutter, as she was too busy watching Harry and licking her lips.
"Hey, Harry, guess what? I like, totally got a makeover last summer from my previously unmentioned American hipster cousin! Like, awesome!" she chirped, as Minerva watched with a mix of fascination and horror on her face.
"That's great! Say, wanna have sex?" Harry asked, and Minerva decided it was time to step in.
"Now that is quite enough!" she told them both, but they predictably ignored her, opting instead to engage in a rather heated snogging session. Trying to decide on a delicate way to break it to them that they could not shag in her office, she heard her name being called.
"Minerva!"
"Oh, Severus, thank the Gods!" she cried as she saw his sneering from in the doorway. "Potter and Granger are acting completely inappropriate --"
"I'll take care of this!" he interrupted gruffly, pushing past her to get to the snogging couple.
"FIFTY MILLION POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!" he roared at them, before dusting his hands. "That's better."
"What's better?!" Minerva shrieked. "That was bloody pointless!"
"Don't yell at me! My parents abused me as a child!" he cried, crumpling down into one of the desks and burying his face in his hands. Minerva approached him tentatively.
"Are you alright?" she asked, with a fair amount of terror in her voice.
"I need a frieeeend!" he sobbed, clutching at her robes. "Help me, I'm a Death Eater! Oh, woe is meeee!"
"You don't need a friend, you need a psychiatrist," she informed him, drawing back. "Listen, couldn't you just give them detentions or something --"
"A detention? Say, that's a good idea. A detention in a dark place with lot's of candles. . . "
"What are you insinuating, Severus?!"
"Oh, damn, Hermione's out, I can't shag my daughter."
"Hermione is your -- but that's bloody imposs --"
"I think I need some vodka. Care to join me?" He winked at her.
That was it. She was going to be sick.
"No, I don't want to get some vodka with you, as you're already scary enough without alcohol in your system! I want everyone to stop acting bloody MAD!" she bellowed. Harry and Hermione finally broke apart at her announcement.
"Hey Mione, let's go get Ron so we can save the world together," Harry finally said after a lengthy pause.
"Okay!" came Hermione's horribly perky reply. Minerva watched, numb, as they skipped out of the room.
"I guess I'd better be going too," Severus sighed, and Minerva nearly fell to the floor in exhaustion. "I've got some defenseless children to torture. Ta-ta!" He waved merrily as he bounded out the door.
Thank. Bloody. Merlin.
Minerva sank back into her chair. She hadn't the faintest clue what had just happened, and, in truth, she really didn't want to know. What with the strange mood swings and odd snogging urges.
And for some reason, they had all at some point practically propositioned her.
Hermione and the "relationship" and Harry with the "even YOU!" and Severus asking her to get vodka. . . oh, God, she was being lusted after by schizophrenic colleagues and students!
Lord have Mercy, she might just end up killing herself if this continued.
Suddenly, there came another knock at her door.
Minerva jumped, slightly afraid of who might be there. "Come in?" she said in a small voice. However, she was greatly relieved to find that it was Albus who stood before her.
"Good evening, my dear," he said brightly, entering her office and shutting the door behind him. "And how are you this evening?"
"Oh, a little tired, all in all," she said wearily. It certainly was tiring dealing with three maniacs at the same time.
"Er, Minerva, there's something I'd like to tell you," Albus muttered nervously, with a sudden interest in his shoes. She leaned over interestedly.
"What is it?" she asked, growing more curious by the second.
"Well, I, er. . . I think I might, sort of --"
"Oh, just spit it out!" she cried, and he winced.
"I think I love you!" he blurted out.
Well. What a strange and surprising turn of events.
"What?" she whispered.
"I think I love you," he said again, and she noted that he had a lot more colour in his cheeks than a few moments ago.
Silence filled the room. Albus was about to ask her if she was okay (perhaps the shock had killed her), when she suddenly exploded.
"Oh, not again!"
"What?" he asked with bewilderment in his voice as Minerva rose from her chair with absolute fire in her eyes.
"First Harry, then Hermione, then Snape, and now you! Why is everyone in bloody love with me?!" she screamed, before stalking straight past him and out the door, slamming it shut behind her with a satisfying bang.
Albus still sat in his chair, unmoving. Finally, he managed to actually coordinate his throat with his thoughts to make words.
"Er, maybe that wasn't really the best time."
Author's Note: Parodies rock my socks
They are the light of my life, really. Well, them and my reading lamp, but that's beside the point.
Anyway, random Parody humor. Enjoy!
-:-
Minerva McGonagall sat in her office, grading a stack of essays that her third-years had written. After realizing she had exhausted an entire bottle of red ink, she leaned back in her chair and sighed slowly.Today had been so tragically boring she honestly didn't know what to do -- it was like the forces of the universe wanted her to go do something spontaneous.
As if that would happen, but it was quite nice of the universe to ask.
Resigning herself to the fact that these essays would not grade themselves, Minerva leaned over her desk once again, only to be interrupted by a loud knock on her office door.
"Come i--" she began, but she hadn't even finished when the door burst open. Minerva looked up with mild surprise as Harry Potter marched across the room toward her.
"Mr. Potter, is there something I can do for you?" she asked lightly.
He responded by bursting into tears.
"What in the world?" she muttered, stunned, as the messy-haired boy stood in front of her, sobbing his heart out.
"Oh, Professor!" he wailed. "I'm so misunderstood! The angst! The trauma! It's just too much to bear!"
Minerva was about to ask him to contain himself, when he suddenly lurched forward and grabbed the essay she had been marking.
"What are you doing?" she cried as Harry ran the paper across his arm.
"I'm suicidal! I'm going to die of paper cuts!" he sobbed, seeming not to notice that the essay was not cutting his skin.
"Would you please get a grip --" Minerva started in an alarmed voice, but was cut off as he suddenly dropped the essay onto the floor and ran a hand through is hair.
"But why would I want to die? I'm a gorgeous, suave womanizer. Everyone wants me!" he cried delightedly. "Even . . . EVEN YOU!" He added to the last part by pushing a finger dramatically toward his very stunned Transfiguration professor.
"I don't want you! What is going on?" Minerva exclaimed, circling around her desk. "Harry, do you need to go to the Hospital Wing?"
"WHAT ARE YOU SUGGESTING?" he roared. "I AM A HUMAN BEING!"
"Well, I'd sort of guessed," Minerva muttered to herself.
"IS THAT A JOKE?!"
"Kind of," she replied, rubbing her forehead. Something was obviously not right.
Her reverie and Harry's screams were interrupted, however, but her door being pushed tentatively open again. Minerva couldn't hide her relief when Hermione Granger stepped in to her office.
"Thank Merlin, Miss Granger! Mister Potter is acting very strangely," she informed the girl, who was glancing around the room shiftily. "Erm, Hermione?" Minerva asked. "Are you listening to me?" Hermione laughed in a high voice.
"Of course I am! I'm listening, I am! I AM, DAMMIT!" Minerva drew back fearfully.
"Um, okay, that's good . . ."
"Why would you say I wasn't listening? I'm a girl! I have feelings!" she whimpered, and Minerva was afraid she was going to start crying too.
"I know that --"
"I'M ALSO A DEATHEATER IN DISGUISE! MUAHAHA!"
"What the fu --"
"Should I be taking notes right now?" Hermione suddenly squeaked in a terrified manner. "You can't apparate inside Hogwarts!"
"I am very aware of that fact, Miss Granger!" Minerva snapped. "Now would you please tell me what is going on?"
"Oh, before you forget, we're meeting in the Astronomy tower tonight, because of our student/teacher relationship and all," Hermione pointed out. Minerva's eyes nearly fell out of their sockets.
"We do not -- I don't -- what are you --"
Hermione, it seemed, could not be bothered to watch her teacher stutter, as she was too busy watching Harry and licking her lips.
"Hey, Harry, guess what? I like, totally got a makeover last summer from my previously unmentioned American hipster cousin! Like, awesome!" she chirped, as Minerva watched with a mix of fascination and horror on her face.
"That's great! Say, wanna have sex?" Harry asked, and Minerva decided it was time to step in.
"Now that is quite enough!" she told them both, but they predictably ignored her, opting instead to engage in a rather heated snogging session. Trying to decide on a delicate way to break it to them that they could not shag in her office, she heard her name being called.
"Minerva!"
"Oh, Severus, thank the Gods!" she cried as she saw his sneering from in the doorway. "Potter and Granger are acting completely inappropriate --"
"I'll take care of this!" he interrupted gruffly, pushing past her to get to the snogging couple.
"FIFTY MILLION POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!" he roared at them, before dusting his hands. "That's better."
"What's better?!" Minerva shrieked. "That was bloody pointless!"
"Don't yell at me! My parents abused me as a child!" he cried, crumpling down into one of the desks and burying his face in his hands. Minerva approached him tentatively.
"Are you alright?" she asked, with a fair amount of terror in her voice.
"I need a frieeeend!" he sobbed, clutching at her robes. "Help me, I'm a Death Eater! Oh, woe is meeee!"
"You don't need a friend, you need a psychiatrist," she informed him, drawing back. "Listen, couldn't you just give them detentions or something --"
"A detention? Say, that's a good idea. A detention in a dark place with lot's of candles. . . "
"What are you insinuating, Severus?!"
"Oh, damn, Hermione's out, I can't shag my daughter."
"Hermione is your -- but that's bloody imposs --"
"I think I need some vodka. Care to join me?" He winked at her.
That was it. She was going to be sick.
"No, I don't want to get some vodka with you, as you're already scary enough without alcohol in your system! I want everyone to stop acting bloody MAD!" she bellowed. Harry and Hermione finally broke apart at her announcement.
"Hey Mione, let's go get Ron so we can save the world together," Harry finally said after a lengthy pause.
"Okay!" came Hermione's horribly perky reply. Minerva watched, numb, as they skipped out of the room.
"I guess I'd better be going too," Severus sighed, and Minerva nearly fell to the floor in exhaustion. "I've got some defenseless children to torture. Ta-ta!" He waved merrily as he bounded out the door.
Thank. Bloody. Merlin.
Minerva sank back into her chair. She hadn't the faintest clue what had just happened, and, in truth, she really didn't want to know. What with the strange mood swings and odd snogging urges.
And for some reason, they had all at some point practically propositioned her.
Hermione and the "relationship" and Harry with the "even YOU!" and Severus asking her to get vodka. . . oh, God, she was being lusted after by schizophrenic colleagues and students!
Lord have Mercy, she might just end up killing herself if this continued.
Suddenly, there came another knock at her door.
Minerva jumped, slightly afraid of who might be there. "Come in?" she said in a small voice. However, she was greatly relieved to find that it was Albus who stood before her.
"Good evening, my dear," he said brightly, entering her office and shutting the door behind him. "And how are you this evening?"
"Oh, a little tired, all in all," she said wearily. It certainly was tiring dealing with three maniacs at the same time.
"Er, Minerva, there's something I'd like to tell you," Albus muttered nervously, with a sudden interest in his shoes. She leaned over interestedly.
"What is it?" she asked, growing more curious by the second.
"Well, I, er. . . I think I might, sort of --"
"Oh, just spit it out!" she cried, and he winced.
"I think I love you!" he blurted out.
Well. What a strange and surprising turn of events.
"What?" she whispered.
"I think I love you," he said again, and she noted that he had a lot more colour in his cheeks than a few moments ago.
Silence filled the room. Albus was about to ask her if she was okay (perhaps the shock had killed her), when she suddenly exploded.
"Oh, not again!"
"What?" he asked with bewilderment in his voice as Minerva rose from her chair with absolute fire in her eyes.
"First Harry, then Hermione, then Snape, and now you! Why is everyone in bloody love with me?!" she screamed, before stalking straight past him and out the door, slamming it shut behind her with a satisfying bang.
Albus still sat in his chair, unmoving. Finally, he managed to actually coordinate his throat with his thoughts to make words.
"Er, maybe that wasn't really the best time."
Great job hon I love it.
xXx 
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