50 things I'm not allowed to do at Hogwarts

[Apocalypticat]

I won't take credit for this - I found it on Gaiaonline, of all places, and decided to share. WARNING: DIRTY HUMOUR.

50 Things I'm Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts


1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".
2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
3. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".
4. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
5. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate.
6. I will not go to class skyclad.
7. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
8. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".
9. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".
10. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.
11. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
12. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
13. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defence Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.
14. I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.
15. "Liften Separatis Crotchum" is not a real spell.
16. I will not claim Chick Tracts are an accurate presentation of Muggle life.
17. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".
18. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".
19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".
20. I will not call the Defence Against Dark Arts teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.
21. There is no such thing as a were-thylacine.
22. I will not provide Luna Lovegood with Coast-to-Coast AM transcripts.
23. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
24. I will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf on the library shelves.
25. Tricking a school house elf into stripping does not mean that they are now mine, even if I yell "Pwned!".
26. I am not a sloth Animagus.
27. I am not a tribble Animagus.
28. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or pirahna.
29. I do not weight the same as a duck.
30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
31. I do not have a Dalek Patronus.
32. I will not lick Trevor.
33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
34. The Ravenclaws are not "Mentats in training".
35. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.
36. I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".
37. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.
38. Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as "Admiral Naismith".
39. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.
40. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.
41. I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.
42. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
43. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.
44. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.
45. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.
46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".
47. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
48. I will not teach the first-years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has A Knob On The End".
49. If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have said so already.
50. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

[nemi]

That is absolutely hilarious!!!! I couldn't stop laughing. "A wizard's staff has a knob on the end", that is priceless.

A Dalek Patronus would be SO cool! I love Doctor Who

[Catwoman99]

That was flippin' hilarious!!! LOL!!!

I really liked #24, 29, 32, & 48!

- April :-)

[angeldust]

Oh my this was soo funny.

8. 11. 30. 31. (that's defaintely what my Protonus would be! They still scare me) 43. 48. (Yeah Terry Pratchet) where my favourites

[TabbyForever]

Nah I love 43 i think thats totally asking for trouble!!

J. xx

[beMMADfabulous]

tabbyforever said:

Nah I love 43 i think thats totally asking for trouble!!

J. xx

Me too! ;D

[Apocalypticat]

Hey I just found 2 hilarious additions to this list that I didn't originally see:

51. "Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.
52. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, girl thingycat?"

[Jessabelle]

This is good! There are a few that really had me laughing and I really like #52!

[emeraldeyes]

I Loved It!! Magnificent! ;D!

[lemonygingersnaps]

7. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
8. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".
9. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".
10. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.
11. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

OMG - I think I will laugh for a month!!

[EloquentPhoenix]

TeeHee. Have to love #43! And #31 and #33. I shouldn't find #33 funny, but I can't help it.

[avadagypsy]

I am Australian and even I wouldn't attempt to imitate steve erwin, especially in a care of magical creatures class. lol! And greeting Professor McGonagall with "Whats new, girl thingycat?"
BAHA! I'm in hysterics! Seriously
Great list!

[amandahleigh]

oh my gosh -- so many of these were lol-funny. What a nice way to start the day!
AL

[MrCoolio]

29, 30, 32, and 40. perfect reference to monty python&holy grail. lol. im posting this somewhere.

[gmshed]

Those are so funny. I love it. I'm going to add a list I found on ff.net, Things Sirius Black is no longer allowed to do at Hogwarts. And ADMMness!

Dear First Years,
Soon your teachers will be telling you my story, the story of the mischievous Sirius Black and his partner in crime, James Potter. They will warn you not to wander down the path of pranks and detentions, as I have. I am proud of what “The Marauders” have accomplished, and therefore, wanted to leave you with something to remember us by. I am giving you a list of things that I am no longer allowed to do or say at Hogwarts, which you all should consider doing on a regular basis to remind our dear teachers what they're missing. Chances are they will break down into silent tears of nostalgia. However, should they tell you they don’t miss us, well…you little ones will have to learn that sometimes professors do tell little white lies. Of course they miss us! They just can’t tell you that or they’d be unconsciously encouraging you to follow in our legendary footsteps. So are you ready for Sirius Black’s famous list of things not to do at Hogwarts? I thought so. Therefore I, Sirius Lee Black, now bequeath to you my legacy. Remember it well:
1 - Not allowed to threaten anyone with "Black" magic.
2 - Not allowed to give myself or any other human on the premises of Hogwarts, especially Severus Snape, magical breast implants.
3 - Not allowed to let enchanted sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions.
4 - Not allowed to let enchanted sock puppets serve detention for me.
5 - Not allowed to refer to Headmaster Dumbledore as "Dad."
6 - Not allowed to refer to Professor McGonagall as "Mum."
7 - If the thought of something makes either myself or James Potter giggle for more than fifteen seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
8 - Not allowed to speculate on the penis size of any of my male or female professors.
9 - Not allowed to threaten suicide with Muggle pop rocks and coke.
10 - The proper way to report to Headmaster Dumbledore when ordered into his office is, "You wanted to see me, Professor?" and not "You can't prove a thing!"
11 - I do not get "that time of the month" and, therefore, cannot use it as an excuse when trying to get out of detention.
12 - Not allowed to fly my broomstick indoors, especially to chase first years down to the dungeons.
13 - Not allowed to fall in love with Madam Pomfrey.
14 - Not allowed to send anonymous love letters or fan mail to Professors.
15 - There are no evil clowns living under my bed.
16 - Not allowed to ask Professor Pintaine if he's been smoking crack.
17 - Not allowed to add "in accordance with this prophecy" to the end of answers I give to a question asked by our divination professor.
18 - May not call the divination professor immoral, untrustworthy, lying slime even if I am right or become possessed by a spirit and give prophecies of my own in the middle of class.
19 - Not allowed to challenge fellow Quidditch players to 'Meet me on the field of honor at dawn,' and then show up wearing a full suit of armor that I “borrowed” from the dungeon statue.
20 - Not allowed to purchase the souls of first year students and make them my slaves.
21 - Not allowed to magically wash the hair of hygienically challenged students, even if they are greasy, slimy gits (cough-Snivellus-cough) and even if I am doing it "for the greater good of the student body."
22 - Not allowed to bribe Hogwarts kitchen house elves into sending the Slytherin table rotten food.
23 - (Next day) Not allowed to bribe Hogwarts kitchen house elves into sending the Slytherin table no food at all.
24 - Not allowed to host an "Inter-house Challenge Slip 'N' Slide Tournament" using the house tables and 147 buckets of water in the Great Hall.
25 – Not allowed to purchase the clothing of Hogwarts house elves and wear it “as a mark of my own enslavement.”
26 - Not allowed to accuse Moaning Myrtle of sexual harassment.
27 - Not allowed to trade Quidditch balls (i.e. the quaffle, bludgers, and snitch...actually James kept the snitch) for inflatable sheep.
28 - Not allowed to release enchanted inflated sheep into the dungeons to test the Care of Magical Creatures Professor's competency in his trade.
29 - Not allowed to die... Seriously, I'm not allowed to die or drown! (especially while testing a potion or swimming in the lake).
30 - The staff room (which is guarded by gargoyles) is not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell first years that it is.
31 – “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is a bad long-term goal to give at career advice.
32 - Any device that can crawl across the table on medium should not be brought into the Great Hall.
33 - Not allowed to play strip Quidditch.
34 - Not allowed to send Howlers to myself.
35 - Not allowed to start a betting pool as to when Severus Snape will ever take a bath.
36 - Not allowed to make love to any Hogwarts statues.
37 - Not allowed to give Snape candy and then use it to take over his brain and make him say incriminating things.
38 - Not allowed to anonymously offer a dating service to Slytherins and then set them up with their brothers and/or sisters.
39 - Not allowed into the girls' dormitories.
40 - Not allowed within twenty feet of the girls' dormitories.
41 - Not allowed to even set foot on the entire left half of the common room (which leads to the girls' dormitories).
42 - Not allowed to turn Severus Snape's clothes pink and expect to get out of detention by arguing that “pink is definitely his color
” or that “men love pastels on a woman.”
43 - Not allowed to bang my head against a desk until I become so disoriented that I wander into the girls' bathrooms.
44 - Not allowed to put a charm on certain Slytherins so that rainbow colored foam comes out of their mouths every time they try to speak ill of a Gryffindor.
45 - Not allowed to ride Dumbledore's gargoyle stairway up and down singing "I Feel Pretty" until he comes out of his office and asks me to stop.
46 - Not allowed to start a nudist colony in the prefect's bathroom on weekends.
47 - Not allowed to offer Sex-Ed classes to first through third years and other older "teenagers full of angst" who feel they are "lacking in carnal knowledge."
48 - Not allowed to imply that "Dad" (Professor Dumbledore) is "getting lucky" with "Mum" (Professor McGonagall) tonight in the middle of Transfiguration.
49 - Not allowed to hum "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye as I walk past Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore "conversing" in a "strictly professional" manner in the hallway.
50 - Not allowed to charm Hogwarts statues to kick all Slytherin's "where the sun don't shine" as they pass by.
51 - Not allowed to tell Lily Evans “thanks for last night” in front of James Potter and therefore provoke the latter to hex me.
52 - Not allowed to hand out my old, soiled socks to fifth or seventh year girls (and one fifth year guy) as good luck charms on their O.W.L.'s or N.E.W.T.'s.
53 - Not allowed to charm Dumbledore's socks to sing "Barracuda" whenever Severus Snape walks into the same room as him.
54 - Not allowed to be myself.
55 – I do not have super powers and should not claim otherwise.
56 – I am neither the king nor queen of cheese and should not claim otherwise.
57 – I am not in need of a more suitable host body and should not claim otherwise.
58 – I am not a “lesbian trapped in a man’s body” and should not claim otherwise.
59 – Not allowed to trade my schoolbooks for any of the following (which have been attempted on separate occasions): cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, candy, small children, etc.
60 – Not allowed to take incriminating photographs of my professors.
61 – Not allowed to use magic to make incriminating photographs of my professors.
62 – Not allowed to tattoo a likeness of my face on students or professors while they slumber.
63 - Not allowed to vandalize the Slytherin Common Room.
64 – Not allowed to sing “Henry VIII, I Am” until verse sixty-eight ever again.
65 – Not allowed to drink three liters of blue food coloring before my yearly Quidditch (pee-in-a-cup) physical given by Madam Pomfrey.
66 – Nor allowed to drink three liters of red food coloring and scream during the same.
67 – Not allowed to bring Professor McGonagall as my date to the no-longer-annual, end-of-term costume ball.
68 – “I’m drunk,” is a bad answer to the question, “Why would you do that, Black?” posed by my head of house or any other figure of authority even if I was joking.
69 – Firewhiskey, green food coloring, and a ‘Cool Mint’ Listerine bottle is not a good combination even if I’m trying to make a point that Lily Evans should learn to clean her teeth without using Muggle technology.
70 – The whole of Hogwarts’ suits of armor cannot be assembled into a giant battle robot.
71 – Hogwarts professors have neither the time nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six whole boxes of Ice Mice yesterday.
72 – Not allowed to organize a Disco Fever Dance at 2 A.M. in the Headmaster’s office, even if the Headmaster was the one who requested “Macho Man.”
73 – Not allowed to send out wedding invitations for Professor McGonagall and Headmaster Dumbledore.
74 – Not allowed to claim that my first name is indeed a very fitting description of my personality and burst into bogus tears when a professor suggests otherwise.
75 – Probably not allowed to be writing this list…; )

If you like the list, the fic can be found at www.fanfiction.net/s/1827323/1/

[FireBird]

I love Sirius' list! That' so hilarious!! And the ADMM hints are wonderful!

[beMMADfabulous]

48 and 49 were my faves! hehe ;D We should make our own ADMM list.

[nemi]

I remember this when it was first posted and yet I read it yesterday night and still couldn't stop laughing - and the additions had me in hysterics! I was laughing so much at "Dad's getting lucky with Mum tonight" and "Let's Get it On" - not to mention "Springtime for Voldemort", I was in complete stitches - that I couldn't even post.

I started reading the fanfic the list is from and it's hilarious. And the ADMM list is a great idea!

[ImSoMMAD]

That was brilliant!! I loved it!! My faves had to be 47,48,49 and 71,72,73. They were just fantastic!!

xxStellaxx

[Rachel]

Oh those lists are hilarious,especially the ADMM ones in Sirius's list! ;D

[jayejaye]

oh my god I loved both lists, thanks for sharing.

[Apocalypticat]

LMAO to Sirius's list! I loved the one about riding up and down Dumbledore's stairs, singing "I'm so pretty..." I can just imagine him sitting inside, going "Oh god..."

We should really start an ADMM list? From Albus? From Minerva? From those who know?

[StormAngel]

lol!!!! totally hillarious!!!

[ιady ταвz]

51. "Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.
52. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, girl thingycat?"
48 - Not allowed to imply that "Dad" (Professor Dumbledore) is "getting lucky" with "Mum" (Professor McGonagall) tonight in the middle of Transfiguration.
49 - Not allowed to hum "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye as I walk past Professor McGonagall and Professor Dumbledore "conversing" in a "strictly professional" manner in the hallway.
73 – Not allowed to send out wedding invitations for Professor McGonagall and Headmaster Dumbledore.

these shipper ones are cute

[StormAngel]

lol!!! they are totally great!!~~

[laundry basket]

lol! ;D
I love all these!
Thanks for sharing!

[crystalpheonixeyes]

I could not stop laughing! Those are all awesome. We should makeour own list. that would be perfect! (Who ever said that before;)

[laundry basket]

I found some more today:

1. "OMGWTF" is not a spell
2. When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of good versus evil, I will not raise my wand skyward and shout, "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!"
3. I will not say the phrase, "Dude get a life," to Lord Voldemort
4. I will not tell first years they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow
5. My name is not "The Dark Lord Happy-Pants," and I am not allowed to sign papers as such.
6. I will not ask Harry Potter if his scar senses are tingling
7. "42" is not the answer to every question on OWLs
8. When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I will not point to the Dark Mark and shout, "TO THE BAT MOBILE, ROBIN!"
9. I will not, under and circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss
10. I am not allowed to declare and official "Hug a Slytherin" day
11. I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout, "I HAVE THE POWER!"
12. I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways
13. There is not, nor has there ever been, a fifth house at Hogwarts. I am not a member of this house nor am I its founder.
14. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force"
15. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Lord Voldemort
16. I will not sing, "We're off to See the Wizard!" when sent to the Headmaster's office
17. I will not where my "DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT!" T-shirt to school
18. "Hey, ya'll check this shit out here!" is not an appropriate way to announce I am about to perform an experimental spell
19. I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand
20. Proffesor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda
21. I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween

Hope you like them!

[gmshed]

LOL!!! Love the new additions! Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy! Yay! And Star Wars! Really loved them, especially 20, but didn't really like 17. Ouch...my stomach hurts from laughing.

[StormAngel]

lol!! totally love them. especially 20. ~~