Like a Whisper

[EloquentPhoenix]

Like a Whisper

A young Minerva's thoughts at the start of her relationship with Albus.

Like a whisper I hear it,
Hissed fiercely under breaths,
It’s reflected in their eyes.

He’s too good for you,
You’re too young for him,

He’s powerful and strong,
You want that, not him,

He doesn’t belong to you,
You shouldn’t be with him.

Yet like a whisper I hear it,
Those three words,
Are written in your eyes.

A/N: A contest for The Hideaway (see my signature for a link). A poem or 200 word drabble starting with the line ‘Like a whisper’. My first ever poem so please be gentle but I would love some constructive criticism!

[childminerva]

I really, really liked this poem (I read it first in the contest section). I think it's beautiful and tells such an amazing story in such few lines.
Good luck on the contest!

-childminerva/mmad

[McGonagallsGirl]

This was good! I'm always wary of poems, as I'm quite protective of the whole genre, but this one was quite well done.

You said you wanted constructive critisism, so here it is:

You stayed within the rhythmic meter very well, but pay attention to loud vs. soft syllables next time. If you accidently put a loud syllable where a soft one should be you'll have the right number of syllables but it won't ever work rhythmically.

Reading it again, I'll give you not so much "critisism" as a bit of wisdom I've collected about poetry in general. It took me years to figure this out...

It's difficult to explain, but Poems feel more awkward when the stanzas come in threes. If you stick to an even number, four is really best, then it falls into place more effectively. In this one you had five stanza's and there was a group of three in the middle.

Here, let me try this another way, because I don't think that makes sense.

When I write poems, This is the rhyme scheme I use, or at least one like it:

Stanza with rhyme or rhythm A Ex: Came
Stanza with rhyme or rhythm A Ex. Same
Stanza with rhyme or rhythm A Ex. Fame
Stanza with rhyme or rhythm A Ex. Claim

Stanza with rhyme or rhythm B Ex. Know
Stanza with rhyme or rhythm B Ex. Go
Stanza with rhyme or rhythm B Ex. Show
Stanza with rhyme or rhythm B Ex: Though

The other one looks like this:

Stanza with rhyme or rhythm A Ex: Came
Stanza with rhyme or rhythm B Ex: Know
Stanza with rhyme or rhythm A Ex: Same
Stanza with rhyme or rhythm B Ex: Go

Stanza with rhyme or rhythm A Ex: Fame
Stanza with rhyme or rhythm B Ex: Show
Stanza with rhyme or rhythm A Ex: Claim
Stanza with rhyme or rhythm B Ex: Though

-------------

I'm terrible at this. Blech.

*please* tell me if this doesn't make any sense, so I can try again.


admmfics.proboards22.com/index.cgi?action=display&board=writing&thread=1168988858&page=1

The first one is the best example of what I mean out of the lot.

Sorry this comment was a few pages long


Good poem, though. I really liked it and I hope I mentioned that enough

[mmadlyinlove]

I like the idea of the poem, very nice. I'm a sonnet person myself... I liked this. ~mmadlyinlove~

[EloquentPhoenix]

Thank you so much for reviewing, ladies

[StormAngel]

hm... I really like this.

[EloquentPhoenix]

I'm glad you do, thank you for your review

[MrCoolio]

Wow, that was really good. I wish i could write poetry. lol =]

[EloquentPhoenix]

I wish I could write poetry

Thank you very much.

[tabbycat]

always puts a tear in my eye ;O; so pretty, and I can relate to a lot of it as well. Very insightful take on the age difference.

[Blue]

I really loved that, I don't normally like poems but that was beautiful!