Just A Stupid Little Fling

[Dewey]

This is. . . well- there's no denying it- stupid. So stupid it's actually funny.

All recognizable characters belong to J.K. Rowling, and the song You Can't Always Get What You Want belongs to the Rolling Stones.

Thank you, Lies, for reminding me how to breath. I would've died laughing if it weren't for you!

And so it begins. . .

Just A Stupid Little Fling

By: Dewey

Warning: Don't blame me, blame the caffine.
---------------------------

“I want McGonagall! I NEED McGonagall!” a tall cloaked figure shouted, frightening the pigeons in the windowsill so that they flew off. “Damn chickens,” he muttered to himself.

“Master,” breathed a second male figure.

“What is it, Grubbutt?”

“YOU CAN’T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT!” he said in a southern accent.

“But if you try sometime,” sang a choir of children in perfect harmony, standing on risers, as scarlet curtains opened. “You might find, you get what you need.”

“Let me think about that,” pondered the first male, Voldemort was his name. “Okay, I’ve thought about it.” The children looked hopeful for his answer. “AVADA KEDAVRA!” he shouted, pointing an ebony stick of wood at the choir. An emerald flame shot out the end and soared through the cool, crisp air, blasting the scarlet curtains to smithereens. The small, pre-pubescent children scattered like ants and ran for their lives.

Voldemort put his wand in front of his lips and blew it out like a match. “Now, about the wench.”

“You mean the ugly, old spinster?” asked the other male, Wormtail.

“Don’t you ever call her that!” sobbed Voldemort. “She’s an elegant, enchanting, witty, vibrant woman.” He took out a copy of a Playboy magazine from a pocket in his cloak and looked at picture where he had glued the head of Minerva McGonagall onto a body of another woman, who looked to be a curvy, yet extremely thin 23-years-old. After a moment or two of gazing dreamy-eyed at the photograph, Voldemort finally came back to reality and shouted, “BACK TO WORK, YOU SLACKERS!”

------------------------------------

Okay, so, what did I say? Give me a holler and tell me what you think.

[Nerweniel]

Ahhhh... wonderful ;D! And remember- breathe in, breathe out, breathe in... ... write more, please . I know you could end it here, but I simply *love* this idea!

Love,

Lies

[Dewey]

Part Two

Warning: May contain some rather odd material.

Disclaimer: The song S. Snape is singing is from The Sound of Music.

I'm sorry there's no ad/mm-ness in this chapter, but it's coming; I promise.
----------------------

At Hogwarts. . .

“I’m so pretty. Yes, I’m pretty. I’m so pretty, and witty, and giddy, and gay!” sang Severus Snape as he ran his fingers through his long, silky black hair, bringing the intoxicating mint shampoo to a lather.

“Sevvie, hunny,” called Xiomara Hooch from their bedroom.

“Yes, dearest?” he replied sweetly.

“Is Miss Granger in the lavatory with you?”

“Yes, she’s drenching me with soap as we speak!” he called back.

“Perfect,” she replied. “I’ve got a surprise for you when you’re finished, cupcake.”

“Do I want to know?” he asked.

“Don’t worry, I think you’ll love it!”

“Oh, Hermione, that feels wonderful,” he breathed in her ear.

“Shhh,” she taunted, as he caressed her butt. “Save your energy for defeating psycho-Lord-Voldie-Moldie.”

After a lengthy shower, Severus and Hermione dressed and went their separate ways; Hermione to her common room, Severus to meet up with his precious Mara. . .

“Mara, hunny, what is this surprise?” Severus asked her, seating himself on the arm of her black leather armchair.

“Me,” she answered, licking her lips and batting her eyelashes adoringly.

“If you say so,” he answered slyly.

“Oh, Sevvie, you tease,” Xiomara giggled, slapping his arm playfully.

“Ouch!” he exclaimed, as if in great pain.

“It didn’t hurt, you big baby,” she said, shaking her head.

“No,” he told her. “It’s my Dark Mark.”

“Oh,” she stated stupidly.

“I best be off, then,” he said, turning into a glimmering black bat and flying off into the night.

--------------------------

Thank you to everyone who's read thus far. I know it's an extremely quirky fic, but I hope you like it.

-Kathy

[Nerweniel]

Hell funny, YOU ARE HELL FUNNY!!!! Xiomara & Hermione, doesn't Sev feel *cough* lucky! Continue, this is just lovely ridiculousness ;D! And he's a vampire, yay!

Love,

Liz

[Dewey]

Part Three ;D :

Transfigurations Classroom. . .

“I’ve never had sex on my desk before.”

“Care to try it?”

“I’d be delighted.”

They breached protocol once again that night. Feverishly turning, almost rolling off the desk quite a few times.

The night was still young by the time her incessant moans stopped. What did it matter, really? Their ragged breath gave them away, and as the nineteenth hour drew to a close, a knock permitted through the closed classroom door.

“Professor, it’s me; Harry. I need to talk to you, it’s an emergency!” called the person from outside the door.

“One moment,” she replied, standing up and hastily replacing her robes about her slender frame.

“Shall I leave?” asked Albus, eyes twinkling merrily.

“You best,” she replied.

“Don’t I get a kiss?” he teased.

“Yes,” answered Minerva, kissing him softly, yet soundly on the lips. “Now go,” she shooed.

He was gone with a POP, and Minerva hurriedly made her way to the door. She threw it open and was met with a surprise.

-------------------------

I know this is just a stupid little story, but could you please reply? **gets down on hands and knees** I wrote you a ad/mm chapter, what more could you want!? Yeah, that's a good idea; reply by telling me what you think should happen in the story. A funny line, or a song, or something.

Thank you, and goodnight!!! (hehe, j/k. it's not nighttime, yet)

[Nerweniel]

Come on people, review this . It's ADMMy, even slightly lemony, and it's wonderful . WRITE MORE! Yeah, I am serious. And weird. Anyway.

Love,

Lies

[SpellboundKate]

oh...my...gosh...I am laughing sooo hard! This is very funny, please, CONTINUE! ...I like where Sevvie is singing...*giggles like mad*
KaTe

[Liz]

This is really neat. Funny too. It's seems quite random, but then again randomness is always good. Oh, the song Severus is singing is from West Side Story, not the Sound of Music. That's take away anything though. Bravo!

[griseldalafey]

;D ;D ;D It's funny!!! Really. In a bizarre way it reminds me of the Potter Puppet Pals ;D Another chapter? Please??? Please???

[TabbyForever]

griseldalafey said:

;D ;D ;D It's funny!!! Really. In a bizarre way it reminds me of the Potter Puppet Pals ;D Another chapter? Please??? Please???

Hehehehe isn't that just the funnest thing in the world!!
"Its naked time!!!"hehehehe

[bookwmnjan]

Enjoying this very much.

I am wondering just how long Potter was outside Minerva's classroom. The classroom shown in the films has wonderful windows on either side of the door. Perhaps he's learning about more than transfiguration.

Evil Grin.

[Dewey]

Here's the next part, which I'll warn you ahead of time is completely idiotic. As always, neither the characters nor the names belong to me. The song "Save a Horse(Ride a Cowboy)" belongs to Big & Rich, if that gives you any idea as to how stupid this part really is.

Well, here goes nothing. .. . .. . .. . .. .
_____________________________________

Dark, Scary Layer. . .

“Gentleman. . .”

“HEM HEM!”

“. . . and lady; I would like to thank you all for your corporation in this project-” ‘And the great sex Bellatrix has been giving me,’ he added to himself. “Now. . . SEVERUS! I need you to give that Mudblood brat head.”

“Tonight?” asked Severus.

“Yes, and leave right now if you don’t mind. I’ll know if you don’t do as I say, I keep close watch on you all just in case,” warned Voldemort.

“S’cuse me,” said Severus pushing through the crowd. “S’cuse me, coming through. Things to see, people to do.”

********

Back in Severus’s rooms. . .

“I’m Sensibility!”

“No, I’m Sensibility!”

“I’M Sensibility!” exclaimed Xiomara Hooch. “YOU’RE Sense!”

“Nuh-uh,” argued Hermione Granger, shaking her head violently. “YOU’RE Sense.”

“Mara, ‘Mione” said Severus, flying in the open window and transforming from bat to person with a Shrivelfickpop, “or should I say ‘Elinor and Marianne’?”

“Sev, but who is whom?” asked Hermione pleadingly.

“Hmmmmm,” thought Severus aloud. “‘Mione, you’re Elinor, practical and conventional: the perfection of sense. And Mara, you’re Marianne, emotional and sentimental: the embodiment of sensibility.”

“Wow, Sevvie,” Xiomara fawned, literally going weak at the knees, “That was deep.”

“Yes, Sev. It was the utter perfection of human literary words,” said Hermione dreamily, gazing into Severus’s hard gray eyes.

“Yeah, well I try,” he said smiling innocently. “‘Mione, if I could speak to you alone,” he said pointedly toward Granger.

“All right, Sevvie,” said Hooch. “I’m just going to get zonked at the Hog’s Head and be back later to collect my fee. Bye!” And with that, she left the rooms to lead herself to the Hog’s Head tavern.

As soon as Xiomara had closed the door, the two remaining occupants wordlessly began tearing off one another’s garments of clothing.

ADULT CONTENT. .. . .. . STUFF THAT ISN’T TO BE WRITTEN BY ME. .. . .. . ADULT ADVISORY. .. . .. . CAUTION, PLEASE TREAD LIGHTLY. .. . .. .

“Ride ‘em cowboy!” exclaimed a voice loudly.

“And we made love! And I saddled up-” stated another voice; male. . .

“Sev, could you turn off the radio?” asked Hermione nervously.

“Okay,” he said, standing from the floor and moving to the small, battery operated radio-

“‘and I ride into the city.
I make a lot of noise
Cause the girls
They are so pretty.
Riding up and down Broadway
on my old stud Leroy.
And the girls say
Save a horse, ride a cowboy.
Everybody says
Save a horse, Ride a cowboy. . .’”
________________________________________

I promise the next chapter will not be as stupid, and it will be twice as funny; I promise.

-Kathy

[Dewey]

Sorry the last chapter was so- er- weird. I hope you like this one better. Once again, Albus, Minerva, and all recognizable characters belong to J.K. Rowling and the song '1985' belongs to Bowling For Soup(they all rock!).

Part Five
_____________________________________________

Minerva’s office. . . .

Minerva opens the door and finds, not a boy in distress, but an arousing performance of some song that she didn’t know, and quite frankly, didn’t care to know.

Harry stood directly in front of the door in a sky blue tuxedo, with Ron Weasley and Seamus Finnigan behind him dressed in neon orange jumpsuits playing electric-guitars, and Neville Longbottom on the ground making a poor attempt of break dancing.

“Woohoo! Woohoo!” they all sang, Harry’s voice becoming more pronounced than the rest.

“Minnie just hit the wall
She never had it all
One Prozac a day
Husband’s a Headmaster

“Her dreams went out the door
when she turned twenty-four
Only been with one man
what happen to her plan?

“She was gonna be an actress
She was gonna be a star
She was gonna shake her ass
on the hood of Alfred Hitchcock's car
Her yellow SUV is now the enemy
Looks at her average life
and nothing has been alright since

“Dorsey, Sinatra
way before the Weird Sisters
there was Goodman and Zappa
and music still on WWN
Her two kids out of Hogwarts
They tell her that she’s uncool
cuz she's still preoccupied
with 19, 19, 1945

“Woohoohoo
(1945)
Woohoohoo

“She’s seen all the classics
she knows every line
Scaramouche, Casablanca
even seen Spellbound
She rocked out to wham
not a big Michael Jackson fan
Thought she’d get a hand
on a member of The Who.

“Where’s the mini-skirt made of snake skin
and who’s the other guy that's singing in The Beatles?

“When did horror become reality?
What ever happened to soaps, game shows? . . .
(on the radio was)

“Dorsey, Sinatra
way before the Weird Sisters
there was Goodman and Zappa
and music still on WWN
Her two kids out of Hogwarts
They tell her that she’s uncool
cuz she's still preoccupied
with 19, 19, 1945

“Woohoohoo

“She hates time, make it stop
When did the Eagles become classic rock?
And when did Deano become an actor?
Please make this stop
Stop!
And bring back

“Dorsey, Sinatra
way before the Weird Sisters
there was Goodman and Zappa
and music still on WWN
Her two kids out of Hogwarts
They tell her that she’s uncool
cuz she's still preoccupied
with 1945

“Woohoohoo

“Dorsey, Sinatra
way before the Weird Sisters
there was Goodman and Zappa
and music still on WWN
Her two kids out of Hogwarts
They tell her that she’s uncool
cuz she's still preoccupied
with 19, 19, 1945!”

The four seemed to be finished, and Minerva stared quizzically at them as they bowed deeply and patted each other on the back.

“So, how was it?” Harry asked Minerva breathlessly.

“I found it- er- rather ODD,” she answered.

“Well,” said Ron, “that’s the price of stardom.”

“Yeah!” agreed Neville.

Seamus decided to have his say too: “Some people like ya, and some people don’t.”

The foursome smiled, bowed once again, and ran off toward their common room. Minerva walked once more into her classroom and closed the door, pressing her back against it. “This has been the strangest night of my life!” she breathed.

[JKMcGonagall]

I find this whole story rather.....ODD.

[Amandah Leigh]

One lil thing...
the song Severus was singing isn't from Sound of Music, it's from West Side Story. Both star characters named 'Maria,' but not exactly the same musical! lol

AL

[Lady Lavendar]

I just love odd stories! Please update soon! This is so funny!

LL

[Ashlynn Minerva Rose]

lol. i find this so odd and-er-pointless (no offense) but oh so funny!!! please update soon!!!

[laundry basket]

omigod, I LOVED the parody of '1985'! I was laughing so hard, I think my parents are considering sending me to an institusion!

[DaBao]

Wow, this is just so funny! Please update soon, don't keep up waiting for too long!

[childminerva]

yes, the parody of "1985" was quite amusing. "Dorsey, Sinatra"..."Alfred Hitchcock's car" all very funny and inventive.

[Drake]

I'm gonna be singing "1945" in Wal-Mart next time I go... HEEEEE.

[romangoddess]

I loved it, and I really want to get a hand on a member of the Who...ah, dreams.

[Dewey]

Sorry it's been a while. Real life has a way of getting a hold of you and not letting go.

Well, this is another kooky chapter in a VERY kooky story. =P As it always will, Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling. Enjoy!

(Brownie points to anyone who can guess what song Ron is listening to!)

Part Six??? (alternately entitled "Why We Should Not Label One Another")
--------------------------------

"Suck it up, you crybaby emo!"

"Well, at least I'm not a preppy bitch like you!"

"You're just jealous."

"Why would I be jealous? Because you have a vocabulary that goes little further than 'like,' 'my little puppy, Tinkerbell,' and 'you're just jealous'?"

"Uhh, no! Because my pants look better on me, and my eyeliner SO looks better than yours!"

"That's enough of that, children!" shouts Professor Snape. "And for the record, Mr. Weasley, Miss Patil's eyeliner does look better than yours."

Ron begins to cry, shoving his hands in his pockets as if looking for something. Seemingly finding it, he shoves buds into each of his ears and loud music can be heard..

"I FEEL IT WELLING UP INSIDE AND ROBERT SMITH LIED, BOYS DO CRY AND WITH BLOOD TEARS IN MY EYES I'M AN ANNE RICE NOVEL COME TO LIFE"

"Off, Weasley!" demands Professor Snape. Ron seems not to hear the command. After drying his tears with the edge of his sleeve, he picks up a mirror and begins to put on more eyeliner.

"Auwww, look, Weasley's getting all pretty for his boyfriend!" Draco Malfoy taunts. His goonies laugh along with him.

"Shut it, Malfoy!" yells Harry, standing from Ron's side and drawing his wand, his elbow crashing into Ron's eyeliner, sending it to the ground.

Ron rips the buds from his ears and throws his mirror at Harry's head, missing and causing it to shatter when it hits the wall. "Look what you did now! I knew you hated me! I hate the world!" He continues to grab his bag and stalk out of the dungeons, slamming the door as hard as he can, only accomplishing the door swinging back open.

"Children," began Snape, addressing the class as a whole, "this is why we should not label one another."

[furandfeathers]

this is soo funny!! *collapses in giggles*

*goes off singing* I feel pretty, oh so pretty!

;D

[ιady ταвz]

wow hahaha!!!!

[Drake]

Wow. Life lessons with Prof. Snape. Who'da thunk it?

[mmadfabulous]

i like snape's singing:)