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Post by blackmagic on Aug 10, 2007 23:00:24 GMT -5
The characters are not mine. Anything quoted from this site is not mine. Very little of this is actually mine, it seems. Even the plot bunny came from reading "An Impassioned Plea for a Fic", though I don't think this fic will at all appeal to the writer of said post.
Minerva McGonagall sat in front of her friend and employer Albus Dumbledore's newest favorite muggle device - a computer with a storm of rage brewing within her. She had known that he was needed at the ministry - in fact he had told her to make herself at home and, perhaps, take a look at the Internet for he was convinced she'd enjoy it. She had a great aptitude for muggle electronics, so it did not take her long to figure out the basics of both the computer and Internet navigation. Truth be told, she had really been enjoying herself visiting the world's greatest museums and searching favorite writers and artists. She'd even picked up a few things at a store called 'Amazon'. She did not know how those muggles had managed to put what had to be a gigantic store in the middle of the amazon, but that question had soon left her mind when she opened his 'bookmarks' by accident. First on the list was a site titled 'Albus and Minerva Fanfiction'.
It was understandable that she would be shocked, even though she knew about the muggle books by J.K. Rowling, she had never imagined anyone would take much interest in her - the stern Deputy Headmistress. However, the whole situation would not have been nearly so unsettling if she had not noticed the subtitle under the illustration:
"Hello! Founded in 2004, this board is all about our favorite couple, Albus and Minerva. Feel free to check out all of our great fanfics. We hope you enjoy your time here. Please read all guidelines before posting a story. Feel free to join!"
Favorite couple? Someone had gotten it into their head to create a whole website entirely dedicated to Albus and her falling in love - ridiculous! Still, there was no harm in reading some of what these obviously delusional people had written, was there? She began with the 'romance' section and moved quickly through the stories in this and all of the other sections. All but one. How much could these people, most of whom seemed to be young women, write about Albus, herself, and a lemon? She was about to leave the site, content to leave those writing on it to their sordid daydreams, when she noticed a small parchment with the heading 'ADMM Password'. Curiously, she typed in the password and began to read these stories as well.
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Post by blackmagic on Aug 10, 2007 23:16:51 GMT -5
Minerva returned to the main page of the site quite flustered and very angry. Even though she was not involved with the headmaster, hearing about their erotic rendez-vous, the acts they performed on each other, and the responses, both vocal and physical, his intimate attentions elicited had been the last straw. It felt as though someone had been spying on her with a lover. She felt self-conscious and somehow violated. Something had to be done.
She followed the instructions to create an account and in a short while had become DeputyHeadmistressMM. Then she began to write.
Fawkes looked at her from his perch with a quizzical expression.
"I'm fighting fire with fire!" she snapped without looking up from the keyboard.
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Post by beMMADfabulous on Aug 10, 2007 23:30:09 GMT -5
Oh, Minerva IS going to eventually admit that she does love him... Right?? *is worried*  This is a very nice idea. It would be hilarious if Minerva kept searching the board and found out that she's actually a fan of a few of the fanfics and their writers. lol. Oh, and I love that Albus had the site bookmarked on his computer! ;D |
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Post by blackmagic on Aug 11, 2007 0:16:12 GMT -5
An Open Letter to Fanfiction Writers
Dear Writers,
Please do not mistake my reaction as an affront to your talents. You all write well and are creative - in some cases very creative. You all display a great understanding of emotion in all of its forms: joy, sadness, confusion, love, frustration, embarrassment, betrayal, pride, inadequacy, concern, humor, and the exhilaration of romantic ecstasy. You know a great deal about all of these things and I applaud you for your observational skills, but there is one aspect of these situations you create which you know nothing at all about - your main characters. Let me enlighten you to the feelings of one of them.
Minerva McGonagall does not pine away for anyone, including one Albus Dumbledore. She never would, for she believes this action to be a sign of weakness. With that said, she has never loved anyone for decades and if Albus had he would be in prison. The idea of a relationship between a student and a staff member is appalling and would damage the reputation of Hogwart's if there was even a shred of evidence to support it.
Ms. McGonagall does not cry because that too, in her eyes, shows her weaknesses. She resents the, at times graphic, descriptions of her body and its reaction to various stimuli. She feels exposed and violated by this.
Incidentally, she has never been pregnant, married, or in the same bed with the Headmaster.
As Deputy Headmistress, frivolity is frowned upon as is dressing as or behaving like a tart. Ms. McGonagall does not go on random outings with her friends to by sexy dresses, perfume, lingerie, or any other prop for the purpose of seducing the Headmaster. She does not flirt, fall into his waiting arms, kiss him, hug him, or have relations with him.
The Headmaster also does not behave as you say he does, though I can make no statements on his feelings. He does not admire any part of his Deputy's anatomy. The idea is foolish. He has never held her too close in a dance or slyly wrapped his arm around her as they walk. He has never allowed his various appendages to meander to areas where they do not belong. He has never, ever groped her in any way.
They do not snog - they are adults. They do not take romantic getaways. They don't tie each other up, dress each other up, or feel each other up and they have never covered each other in any sort of food product. They are not in love. They are not in lust. They are not parents or friends with benefits.
They are just friends with a rather formal platonic relationship.
I am sorry to spoil your fun, but this is a matter very close to my heart because, you see, I am her.
-DeputyHeadmistressMM
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Post by dianahawthorne on Aug 11, 2007 0:27:03 GMT -5
hilarious! please continue!
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Post by Drake on Aug 11, 2007 1:35:36 GMT -5
LOL. You mock me very well.  This is hilarious and appeals to me very much, please, continue it! |
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Post by Blue on Aug 11, 2007 6:13:38 GMT -5
lol I love it, please continue. but....please make them get together I would love to read about her reaction to her feelings, lol. Will she apologise to the writers??? because that would just be....*dies* 'They don't tie each other up, dress each other up, or feel each other up and they have never covered each other in any sort of food product.' OMG, I love you. |
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Post by beMMADfabulous on Aug 11, 2007 10:34:29 GMT -5
It would be great if you made it so Albus was writing stories too (and especially if he had a username here that we all know) or if something happened that made Minerva take back her words. lol This is excellent, but it's almost making me sad.   |
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Post by blackmagic on Aug 11, 2007 10:52:38 GMT -5
DeputyHeadmistressMM-
You are a talented writer yourself and also have a wonderful understanding of Minerva's temperament and wit, however, do you really see her as someone so cold.
Minerva may not have a lover, but she is not loveless. She is a charming, warm, delightful person. She and the Headmaster may not be hopping into bed at every opportunity, I believe there is more between them than a "rather formal, platonic relationship."
Also, though I agree that the discussion of her body in such detail would make Minerva very uncomfortable, it deserves to be said that she is the most beautiful witch the Headmaster has ever set eyes on.
I mean no disrespect at all by my statements. I simply felt that I should voice what is not only my opinion, but one which is shared by most of this site's users.
Yours,
I *heart* Honeyduke's
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Post by Rachel on Aug 11, 2007 10:53:03 GMT -5
Oh God,this is a work of art!I love the idea of her finding us, and I can't decide if the fact that she found us is funnier than Albus bookmarking us. |
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Post by beMMADfabulous on Aug 11, 2007 10:57:11 GMT -5
Aww! You're so brilliant! hehe.  I'm loving this. You always have me not-so-patiently waiting for more! |
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Post by tabbykit on Aug 11, 2007 14:28:00 GMT -5
You HAVE to continue.....Please?
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Post by blackmagic on Aug 11, 2007 14:32:00 GMT -5
A few days later, Minerva was once again awaiting Albus' return from one of the Ministries almost never ending meetings. This time he had asked her to wait for him because the information he returned with may be of use to her and he didn't want to have to wake her. She had once again been given the option of using his computer. She had continued enjoying the artwork on the museum websites and had gone back to that 'Amazon'-place to purchase a small TV, a DVD player and several films. Rolanda had some wonderful things to say about Woody Allen's "Manhattan". But Minerva curiosity was starting to get to her. What was the harm in seeing what the reaction to her letter had been.
She clicked the link and her first question was answered - the site was still operational. There seemed to have been quite a response to her work, but she soon realized that her readers thought that she was just another writer. Looking back, maybe posting her retort of a fiction-writing site was not the brightest decision she'd ever made. As she read her responses, she was dismayed. It was such a shame that a whithering glare could not be sent electronically. Most found her biting sarcasm funny. Perhaps her statements about "food product" and "appendages" had crossed the line between fury and funny by just a bit. She was about to stop reading the requests more and reactions which seemed to be either sadness or laughter when one reply caught her eye.
Who did this I *heart* Honeyduke's person think they were anyway! Whoever this person was, they had some nerve assuming they knew her better than she did. Charming, warm, and delightful sounded more like a description of a cup of tea and an apple tart than Minerva McGonagall. How would this person know how beautiful the witches Albus had seem were or how he ranked their beauty. Most of all, how could they know enough details about her relationship with Albus to assume - falsely - that there was any more between them than she had said.
When she returned to the main page, she noticed she had a message. It read as follows.
DeputyHeadmistressMM-
I do hope that my comments did not upset you, but I feel I have a deep knowledge of the feeling of the other half of this relationship. This brings me to my point. Albus has will reply to your letter with one of his own. I just thought you should know. It is entitled "A Letter From the Headmaster". I would love for you to read it.
Yours,
I *heart* Honeyduke's
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Post by beMMADfabulous on Aug 11, 2007 15:20:16 GMT -5
Hehe! This is so excellent!
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Post by dianahawthorne on Aug 11, 2007 16:22:47 GMT -5
ah! how can you stop here! this is a fabbitty-fab-fab story, and I can't wait for the next update!
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Post by tabbykit on Aug 11, 2007 18:50:25 GMT -5
Ooooo, I have a funny feeling.........Continue Yes?
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Post by McGonagallsGirl on Aug 11, 2007 18:50:38 GMT -5
Yeah, this is pretty fun. |
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Post by littlemorgsi on Aug 11, 2007 22:58:12 GMT -5
Ooohhhhh.... Is Albus 'I *heart* Honeyduke's'?
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Post by blackmagic on Aug 11, 2007 23:11:00 GMT -5
Minerva could not believe this person was taking her letter so lightly, but feline curiosity won out again. Soon she found the post.
A Letter From the Headmaster
Dear Writers,
I too admire your creative skills. We could do with some like you all at Hogwart's. The parchments would be so much more entertaining. For that matter, the Ministry could stand to hire some of the older ones among you as well. It amazes me that, with so many beautiful young people in the world, you would choose to focus your artistic attentions on two mature people such as Professor McGonagall and myself. It seems we have heard from my dear Deputy, but I feel you all deserve to hear my side of the story as well.
I am a scholar. I am devoted to my research and my school. I hate to disappoint you, but, as in muggle society, those who are consumed with accrual of knowledge are not usually highly sought after men about town. I believe you young ones call them nerds. I am no exception. I am not, nor have I ever been, a ladies man. They picked on me to no end when I was in school, but that is a story for another time. Alas, I am, I believe, a nerd. That's not to say that I have never known women in that delicate sense, but I have never been swamped with women desperate for romantic liaisons with me. It would have been nice, but that, I'm afraid is pure fiction. I have always worked more than I have loved resulting in my perpetual bachelorhood. I have not been married, to Minerva or anyone else.
On the subject of Minerva there are many things I need to clarify. I shall start with those points which are incorrect. Minerva has never shown even the slightest interest in me romantically. No embraces, kisses, sneaking off for a between-class cuddle, removal of clothing, ect... I have never had the opportunity to rub her back, grope her bum, cup her breasts, or do anything more than put my arm around her shoulder when the news broke of the Potter's murder. Lily had been a favorite student of hers years before, but I digress.
Ms. McGonagall and I have never had relations, and while on that topic let me say that I am astounded by the amount of knowledge the younger generations have on that topic. Reading your 'Lemon' section was almost an educational experience. I applaud you all on your intensely vivid imagery. Actually, many of you went into great detail on sounds as well. Quite realistic. Well done, however, I find myself agreeing with the post by DeputyHeadmistressMM on one key fact - Minerva would feel intruded upon and violated by the detailed descriptions of her body and her physical and mental state during intimacy. I do feel strange when reading about our fictional, passionate encounters, but I have no complaints as to your physical descriptions of myself in any way. In fact, generally, I feel you make me look better as opposed to accurate. Keep up the good work.
You did get some bits correct, but they all seem to center around one thing - the undeniable fact that Minerva McGonagall is beautiful. She may not be twenty years old anymore and she may not ever have been what is traditionally termed visually stunning, but she is. Her eyes are just as lovely as you have written them. I have very little disagreement with the body you have placed her in other than the fact that it is not pressed against mine at this moment and it never has been.
DeputyHeadmistressMM painted a very cold, stoic portrait of my Deputy with which I do not agree. While she is neither weak or flirtatious, she is not hard-hearted. She's warm and fiercely intelligent. Her wit never ceases to beguile me and she can hold me for hours, locked in intellectual debates which I wish had no end. She is the most intriguing, lovely, amazing witch I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and I fancy myself the luckiest wizard on the planet for getting to spend so much time with her. She does not need the revealing attire you all seem to enjoy putting her in. She's far too good for that in so many ways.
That is my friend and colleague through my eyes.
Yours,
I *heart* Honeyduke's
P.S. - DeputyHeadmistressMM, just because the Headmaster of Hogwart's has never laid a hand on her does not mean he does not "admire any part of his Deputy's anatomy". He's only a man and she is an entrancing woman - and a very shapely one at that.
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Post by esoterica1693 on Aug 11, 2007 23:43:15 GMT -5
Brilliant!
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Post by Jessabelle on Aug 11, 2007 23:58:06 GMT -5
Yes! This is fantastic and I am so glad I came across it! 'P.S. - DeputyHeadmistressMM, just because the Headmaster of Hogwart's has never laid a hand on her does not mean he does not "admire any part of his Deputy's anatomy". He's only a man and she is an entrancing woman - and very shapely one at that.' I absolutely adore this line! 'He has never allowed his various appendages to meander to areas where they do not belong.' This line was also great! I love the originality of them realizing eachother and the potential their relationship holds by communicating through this board. You have had me laughing aloud with this story! Keep up the great work! - Jess |
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Post by dianahawthorne on Aug 12, 2007 1:18:26 GMT -5
can't wait for the next chappie - it's getting better and better!
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Post by beMMADfabulous on Aug 12, 2007 7:55:29 GMT -5
Awww!!! ;D *sighs* This is great, and indeed it is getting better and better! I can't wait for more!
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Post by alter.ego.alana on Aug 12, 2007 9:15:54 GMT -5
Oh I love this so much!!
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Post by KristaMarie on Aug 12, 2007 10:38:43 GMT -5
I'm absolutely loving this! Please continue!
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Post by blackmagic on Aug 13, 2007 0:36:56 GMT -5
I *heart* Honeyduke's-
Your letter was lovely. You captured Albus very well. I enjoyed reading "his" thoughts on this matter very much. I still do not agree with your view of his personal feelings about his Deputy though. She is a stern, plain, old woman who has not been the object of anyone's affections for a very long time. Still, it was very sweet of you to make her seem so special to someone for whom she cares a great deal. Your last two paragraphs were so sweet. I'm glad you requested I read them. Thank you.
Yours,
DeputyHeadmistressMM
P.S. - I am certain that if the Headmaster felt so strongly about his Deputy Headmistress, he would approach her with his feelings. He would not content himself with sneaking the occasional covert glance. They are not teenagers, after all.
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Post by dianahawthorne on Aug 13, 2007 0:48:58 GMT -5
aww... I can't wait to see what happens next!! Great job!
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Post by beMMADfabulous on Aug 13, 2007 10:58:48 GMT -5
Aww, yay! I've been looking forward to this. Great chapter!
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Post by blackmagic on Aug 13, 2007 20:27:11 GMT -5
Try as Minerva might, she could not stop smiling. It had been quite a while since anyone had said such sweet things about her. She kept reminding herself that these were not Albus' words, but the thought of him finding her entrancing still made her blush. She was lost in thought and did not notice the figure who emerged from the fireplace.
"Good evening, my dear," Albus said cheerfully. "Did you miss me? I hope I didn't keep you waiting too long."
"Oh, Albus." Minerva hurriedly left the website and shut down the computer as she and Albus talked. "How was your meeting?"
"Long. We're you having fun with that computer?" Albus asked.
"Oh yes," Minerva answered. "Did the meeting produce anything of use to us?"
"Yes. You and I will need to write notices to the faculty regarding new student package screening procedures." Albus said in a groaning tone. "Can we have tea first, though. I just want to relax with you for a moment."
Minerva's heart fluttered. She did her best to repress the sweet smile and light blush which resulted from Albus' last statement, but her words went unchecked. "Yes, that would be lovely. I did miss you, Albus."
Fawkes squawked in surprise and Albus looked up so fast his glasses nearly fell off his nose. He recovered quickly with a smile. "I missed you too. The only time those meeting are bearable is when you're sitting next to me grumbling about 'bureaucratic nonsense'." He reached out to Minerva and gently squeezed her hand. "It's nice to be home again with you."
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Post by dianahawthorne on Aug 13, 2007 20:33:26 GMT -5
aww...very nice!
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I'm loving this. You always have me not-so-patiently waiting for more! 
