Post by Kalex on Sept 12, 2005 15:04:06 GMT -5
Warning: Written by a male with far more experience than he wants or needs. Any offensive observations are due to guilt on the part of the reader for the abuse heaped on unsuspecting males. (As if it were our fault…) Kindly cast your stones toward the gulf region as they have water issues.
Monthly Blues
Albus Dumbledore stared at the calendar. It couldn’t be the seventeenth already. Where had the month flown? He rose from his chair and crossed the room to stand by the window. For years he had tried in vain to abstain from hard liquor. Firewhiskey was not a cure nor would it stop time. He was a grown man and he would no longer let something as natural as a period determine his need for drink. With a vow on his lips to be understanding and helpful today he strengthened his resolve. He could do this.
With a skip in his step he left his office and headed toward the Great Hall. The rumble of students’ feet on the stone floor resembled a stampede and he wondered if he should have taken just a little nip.
He entered from the small room on the side of the Great Hall and sat in his appointed chair. He grimaced as he surveyed the table. Crumpets instead of scones, pumpkin juice instead of tea, and porridge in place of eggs were not going to go unnoticed.
He watched the front doors open and close as students entered. It took another fifteen minutes before the door opened and Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmaster and Transfiguration Professor entered.
Her posture was straight and her visage stern but it was normally a cultivated façade. She stopped twice to speak to a student and once to glare at a group of Slytherins about to tamper with the dish in front of them.
She uttered a good morning to the table as she took her seat and reached for her teacup. The thinning of her lips was the only indication that she was annoyed. Before he could offer up an apology a teakettle appeared in front of her and he let out a breath of relief.
The noise in the Great Hall grew as the initial hunger pangs were satisfied and the number of students increased. The makings of a headache was forming as he observed the tension in Minerva’s face
“It looks to be a beautiful day,” he ventured.
“And how will I know since I’ll be trapped in my classroom or office all day?” she snapped. She rose with her usual grace and bade him goodbye before leaving the Great Hall.
Albus looked at his watch. The stars were moving but very slowly. It was only eight o’clock. Another sixteen hours to go before he could escape to his bed.
His morning moved along rather swiftly however. There was a steady stream of students that were sent to his office by Minerva for various offenses but these were taken care of easily. It was an hour before lunch when he received an owl from her. She normally fire called him or sent a note by a student so it must be sensitive in nature. He mulled over various outstanding problems in his head.
He hoped Argus had taken care of the plumbing issues in the prefect bathroom. He fingered the parchment gently. He had a grave feeling of foreboding. A chill raced through him. Did she need to lie down? Perhaps she was asking for a substitute for her classes. He couldn’t remember her ever taking time away from her classes.
He shifted his glasses higher on his crooked nose and unrolled the parchment.
Albus,
I am unable to leave school today and I find that I am in need of several items. Please run into Hogsmeade and purchase them for me. Do not send an owl with the order for it always comes back wrong.
Since you are probably sitting in your office twiddling your thumbs while your staff slaves to keep the school in working order, I would appreciate your picking up a box of necessities, a bar of chocolate, and a bottle of shampoo. My hair looks oily today.
Minerva
P.S. Please purchase the correct box this time! I want the ultra-thin, non-scented; comfort fit ones in the light blue box.
Albus quickly rose and hurried off the school grounds. If Minerva was low on supplies it probably meant she had just run out. He reached the gates moments later and apparated into the village.
He stopped at Honeydukes first and purchased several large bars of chocolate, dark, light, white, bittersweet, semi-sweet, and mint. He never knew which chocolate she would want and invariably chose the wrong one.
He pocketed the chocolate and hurried into Dompkins Drug Emporium. He marched down the aisle and added several bottles of shampoo to his basket. She hadn’t specified which brand so he took one of each.
The feminine product aisle was empty, thank Merlin, and he approached the shelves with trepidation. Maxi, mini, thin, ultra-thin, ultimate ultra thin, ultra longs, with wings, without wings, scented, unscented, deodorant, non deodorant, compact, dry shield, overnight, maxi-long, super, heavy, light, medium flow, all in light blue boxes of various shades.
Albus studied the boxes for half an hour before choosing six and taking his basket to the counter.
Eli Dompkins, proprietor and at least fifty years his senior, gave him a pat on his shoulder as he paid for his purchases. Albus watched as he slipped a small bottle of pain reliever in the bag.
Albus looked at his letter again. “She didn’t suggest a pain potion. I don’t believe cramps are an issue.”
“It’s for you, laddie. It’s going to be a long night.” The old man nodded sagely to Albus and bade him goodbye.
Albus hurried back to Hogwarts and put the supplies in Minerva’s private rooms. Lunch was about to begin.
He arrived in the Great Hall before she did and breathed a sigh of relief. The house-elves had prepared her favorite dishes. The word must have gotten out. There was very little the elves didn’t know.
The temperature in the room dropped by several degrees and he knew she had entered. She smiled grimly at those around her and began dishing up. She waited until everyone at the Professors’ table was engaged before commenting in a low voice.
“One simple thing, I just wanted a simple box and what do you buy? Everything in the store except the right box! If I want something done I’ll have to do it myself.”
He was about to issue a sincere apology but the fire in her eyes stopped him. They ate in silence as the others quickly finished up. Trouble was brewing and they wanted no part of it.
Minerva waited until the hall emptied before rising and standing before him.
“Am I asking too much? Can you not find it in your heart to grant me one favor?”
Albus was already on his feet, as good manners dictated, and he hurriedly assured her that her wishes were his own.
“I am sorry dearest. I tried my best.”
“This is your best!” she shrieked. “JUST ADMIT THAT YOU DON’T CARE!” She burst into tears before changing into a tabby and sprinting between the row of tables and out of the room.
Albus sat back down. Usually tears didn’t come before dinner. Things were worse than he imagined. He took a bite of potato.
“Dobby!”
With a pop, the eager house elf appeared at his chair.
“How can Dobby help the great Professor Dumbledore? The greatest wizard, the supreme mugwump, the defeater of that nasty Grindelwald, the …”
“Dobby, when the female elves are having their womanly days, how do the males cope?” interrupted Albus.
Dobby looked around the room before answering. “We have a cure that fixes it.”
Albus’ eyes gleamed. The house elves had their own brand of magic but if there was a cure…”
Dobby disappeared with a snap and reappeared a few seconds later and placed a large bottle in front of Albus.
Ogden’s Firewhiskey was listed on the label.
“You must drink the whole bottle before it works,” he cautioned before disappearing with a pop.
Albus removed the cap and lifted the bottle to his lips. Echoes of Minerva’s shriek rang in his ear. One bottle might not be enough.
Monthly Blues
Albus Dumbledore stared at the calendar. It couldn’t be the seventeenth already. Where had the month flown? He rose from his chair and crossed the room to stand by the window. For years he had tried in vain to abstain from hard liquor. Firewhiskey was not a cure nor would it stop time. He was a grown man and he would no longer let something as natural as a period determine his need for drink. With a vow on his lips to be understanding and helpful today he strengthened his resolve. He could do this.
With a skip in his step he left his office and headed toward the Great Hall. The rumble of students’ feet on the stone floor resembled a stampede and he wondered if he should have taken just a little nip.
He entered from the small room on the side of the Great Hall and sat in his appointed chair. He grimaced as he surveyed the table. Crumpets instead of scones, pumpkin juice instead of tea, and porridge in place of eggs were not going to go unnoticed.
He watched the front doors open and close as students entered. It took another fifteen minutes before the door opened and Minerva McGonagall, Deputy Headmaster and Transfiguration Professor entered.
Her posture was straight and her visage stern but it was normally a cultivated façade. She stopped twice to speak to a student and once to glare at a group of Slytherins about to tamper with the dish in front of them.
She uttered a good morning to the table as she took her seat and reached for her teacup. The thinning of her lips was the only indication that she was annoyed. Before he could offer up an apology a teakettle appeared in front of her and he let out a breath of relief.
The noise in the Great Hall grew as the initial hunger pangs were satisfied and the number of students increased. The makings of a headache was forming as he observed the tension in Minerva’s face
“It looks to be a beautiful day,” he ventured.
“And how will I know since I’ll be trapped in my classroom or office all day?” she snapped. She rose with her usual grace and bade him goodbye before leaving the Great Hall.
Albus looked at his watch. The stars were moving but very slowly. It was only eight o’clock. Another sixteen hours to go before he could escape to his bed.
His morning moved along rather swiftly however. There was a steady stream of students that were sent to his office by Minerva for various offenses but these were taken care of easily. It was an hour before lunch when he received an owl from her. She normally fire called him or sent a note by a student so it must be sensitive in nature. He mulled over various outstanding problems in his head.
He hoped Argus had taken care of the plumbing issues in the prefect bathroom. He fingered the parchment gently. He had a grave feeling of foreboding. A chill raced through him. Did she need to lie down? Perhaps she was asking for a substitute for her classes. He couldn’t remember her ever taking time away from her classes.
He shifted his glasses higher on his crooked nose and unrolled the parchment.
Albus,
I am unable to leave school today and I find that I am in need of several items. Please run into Hogsmeade and purchase them for me. Do not send an owl with the order for it always comes back wrong.
Since you are probably sitting in your office twiddling your thumbs while your staff slaves to keep the school in working order, I would appreciate your picking up a box of necessities, a bar of chocolate, and a bottle of shampoo. My hair looks oily today.
Minerva
P.S. Please purchase the correct box this time! I want the ultra-thin, non-scented; comfort fit ones in the light blue box.
Albus quickly rose and hurried off the school grounds. If Minerva was low on supplies it probably meant she had just run out. He reached the gates moments later and apparated into the village.
He stopped at Honeydukes first and purchased several large bars of chocolate, dark, light, white, bittersweet, semi-sweet, and mint. He never knew which chocolate she would want and invariably chose the wrong one.
He pocketed the chocolate and hurried into Dompkins Drug Emporium. He marched down the aisle and added several bottles of shampoo to his basket. She hadn’t specified which brand so he took one of each.
The feminine product aisle was empty, thank Merlin, and he approached the shelves with trepidation. Maxi, mini, thin, ultra-thin, ultimate ultra thin, ultra longs, with wings, without wings, scented, unscented, deodorant, non deodorant, compact, dry shield, overnight, maxi-long, super, heavy, light, medium flow, all in light blue boxes of various shades.
Albus studied the boxes for half an hour before choosing six and taking his basket to the counter.
Eli Dompkins, proprietor and at least fifty years his senior, gave him a pat on his shoulder as he paid for his purchases. Albus watched as he slipped a small bottle of pain reliever in the bag.
Albus looked at his letter again. “She didn’t suggest a pain potion. I don’t believe cramps are an issue.”
“It’s for you, laddie. It’s going to be a long night.” The old man nodded sagely to Albus and bade him goodbye.
Albus hurried back to Hogwarts and put the supplies in Minerva’s private rooms. Lunch was about to begin.
He arrived in the Great Hall before she did and breathed a sigh of relief. The house-elves had prepared her favorite dishes. The word must have gotten out. There was very little the elves didn’t know.
The temperature in the room dropped by several degrees and he knew she had entered. She smiled grimly at those around her and began dishing up. She waited until everyone at the Professors’ table was engaged before commenting in a low voice.
“One simple thing, I just wanted a simple box and what do you buy? Everything in the store except the right box! If I want something done I’ll have to do it myself.”
He was about to issue a sincere apology but the fire in her eyes stopped him. They ate in silence as the others quickly finished up. Trouble was brewing and they wanted no part of it.
Minerva waited until the hall emptied before rising and standing before him.
“Am I asking too much? Can you not find it in your heart to grant me one favor?”
Albus was already on his feet, as good manners dictated, and he hurriedly assured her that her wishes were his own.
“I am sorry dearest. I tried my best.”
“This is your best!” she shrieked. “JUST ADMIT THAT YOU DON’T CARE!” She burst into tears before changing into a tabby and sprinting between the row of tables and out of the room.
Albus sat back down. Usually tears didn’t come before dinner. Things were worse than he imagined. He took a bite of potato.
“Dobby!”
With a pop, the eager house elf appeared at his chair.
“How can Dobby help the great Professor Dumbledore? The greatest wizard, the supreme mugwump, the defeater of that nasty Grindelwald, the …”
“Dobby, when the female elves are having their womanly days, how do the males cope?” interrupted Albus.
Dobby looked around the room before answering. “We have a cure that fixes it.”
Albus’ eyes gleamed. The house elves had their own brand of magic but if there was a cure…”
Dobby disappeared with a snap and reappeared a few seconds later and placed a large bottle in front of Albus.
Ogden’s Firewhiskey was listed on the label.
“You must drink the whole bottle before it works,” he cautioned before disappearing with a pop.
Albus removed the cap and lifted the bottle to his lips. Echoes of Minerva’s shriek rang in his ear. One bottle might not be enough.
. Good writing and definitely hilarious!
