Post by EloquentPhoenix on Jun 26, 2006 14:37:02 GMT -5
A RW/HG angst fic where Albus and Min were together, it's mentioned a bit in chapter 2, but they're not in it much, I hope that's ok 
. HBP compliant. I think I'm getting there with HBP. Rating K - sad but bearable.
Summary: When things change, when people change, someone has to bite the bullet and say goodbye… Post last battle. Includes insinuations of Harry’s death. Some ADMM.
The click of the lock on the last of my trunks makes you stir a little, and I freeze, like a rabbit caught in headlights. But you sleep on and I breathe again. Odd isn’t it, me, afraid of you waking. Me: the independent, strong Gryffindor who would fight you in everything, running away. Only I’m not really running from you, because you aren’t you, not anymore. You’ve changed from the redheaded, freckled boy with dirt on his nose that I fell in love with. You’ve changed since the war has ended. I almost laugh every time I think that. And it would be a bitter tinted laugh. Everyone has changed; the war has left invisible scars on everyone and has torn away our innocence without care. But his death hit everyone the hardest, even though we knew it was coming.
His death hit you with an unimaginable force; it ripped you apart and left me your empty shell. It’s been six months now but you can’t move on, you can’t let go, you can’t say goodbye to him. When he died it was as if you lost your will to live. At first it didn’t sink in, it was like nothing had happened. The war was over and we had both survived. Harry had not and we grieved for him, together. We were still together and we would always be together. But it slowly crept up on you, you became withdrawn from me and your emotions were always close to the surface. You felt guilty, you felt like it was your fault, our fault, even. We should have found another way, there had to be another way. Your sister had lost the love of her life, and was still grieving. And you blamed yourself. A month was all it took and I had lost you. All you ever did was sit and think, sit and blame yourself.
So that’s what’s brought me here. I’m sitting at our tiny kitchen table with a half empty cup of lukewarm tea. Sitting with my trunks packed and my heart in pieces. I’ve lost you. I’ve failed. And even now my disgust at my own failure is still there, still left from our years at Hogwarts. I’ve failed you because I can’t help you. I still love you, the real you, but the person you are now does not love me. And I just can’t face another day like this. This is goodbye for now, but I know I will never stop loving you. Never stop waiting for you to return to me. And now that the time has come to do it, I just can’t. A flick of my wand a murmured spell banishes my belongings to your family’s house. I’ll explain everything to Molly, she’ll understand. I have nowhere else to go, Voldemort had both of my parents killed. I go to the couch to wake you; you fell asleep there again last night. But I can’t do it, I don’t want to say goodbye.
“He’s changed, he’s not who you fell in love with,” I tell myself. But I still don’t want to leave.
And although it’s summer the house feels cold. I feel cold inside. The house is bare in places, like half of it is missing, and in a way it is. I am missing from the house we share - shared. The only sign that I was ever here is my empty cup on the table. Still I stand staring at you. I can’t wake you and let go, but I can’t live without you. And my determination fails me as I walk back into the kitchen.
A murmured spell later and there’s a piece of parchment on the table waiting for me. I pick up a quill from the table, and hold it above the paper. There’s nothing I can write to change the fact that I’m leaving. And nothing to change the fact that the tiny life inside of me will grow for goodness knows how long without a father. How does one say I love you but I have to leave; that I’m leaving but I want to be with you, the real you? How can I do this? When we married it was for better for worse. Why can’t I stay and help you work through this? Because I have already, and you won’t let me in, because you aren’t Ron anymore, there’s nothing of you left.
So I steel myself to explain to you that I will always wait for you, that I will always love you. But there’s only one thing that I can really write. You will know where to find me and why I have gone. So the only fitting thing is Goodbye. I feel tears stinging in the back of my eyes as I put the quill back down. This is it, and I know deep inside that one day you will fight for me, and come back to me. I will be waiting. I reach up to the clasp of my locket, the present you gave me on our first anniversary and untie it. Placing it on top of the letter I walk towards the fireplace with tears streaming down my cheeks. I cannot look back, because if I do I will never be able to leave.
In a few hours you will wake to this empty house, and will see my note on the table. I pray that you understand. I pray that you will forgive me for being too weak, too scared, to stay. I throw a handful of floo powder into the fire and whisper “The Burrow” as I step inside.
When I arrive at the burrow I find Molly stood in her dressing gown in front of me. She sees my tears. She knows what it’s been like, she knows that you have changed and withdrawn yourself from everyone.
“I’ve left him,” I whisper, heartbroken.
She pulls me into a hug, “He’ll come back, he loves you,” she replies.
I give a weak smile before pulling away.
“For me and our baby.”
‘Surprise!’ I call along with everyone else, and join in singing Happy Birthday to my beautiful daughter, Rachel.
I smile through it all, and I’m happy I really am. But there’s still you missing. Still the emptiness where you should be. But it’s our daughter’s eleventh birthday, and she received her Hogwarts letter just this morning. You’d have loved to have seen her face light up. She’s so much like me, and yet so much like you. She’s really looking forward to school, but with your... reluctance at times. She looks like you, and they’ll all see it. Except for you. Because no one will tell you, because no one knows.
No one knows where you are, have been for almost twelve years. A week after I left you disappeared. You came to see Molly to say goodbye, but she didn’t even get chance to stop you. So here I am, where we should be, watching everyone fuss over our little girl. Even now the only place I want to be is with her, with you with me. But I’m not sure you even know she exists. Tears fill my eyes as they do every time I think of that. And to most it just looks like happy tears. But they aren’t, I’m still not over you, and I still love you.
I feel a gentle hand on my back. It’s Minerva. The only one who can come close to understanding how I feel, and how I still love you. But it’s still different for her. She lost Professor Dumbledore in our sixth year, but he died, still loving and needing her. I lost you, you’re just out of reach and I was helpless. You didn’t still love and need me. She knows why I cry, even now. She knows that when it’s the one, it never goes away. And she’s been such a comfort to me, cried with me, been angry for me, held me when all I needed was you. Without ever so much a thought of how much she needed Albus, they’d had their lives together and she still needed him.
Everyone knows I still love you; else I wouldn’t still be here, living with your parents bringing up our daughter. And she understands so well, even now, that you do love us both, but it’s just taking you some time to remember that. And that when you can, you’ll be back. And I honestly believe that, because something has to get me through the long days, the lonely nights. I can’t bear to tell her you might not know about her, if the thought tears me apart I can’t imagine what it might do to her.
So I get through today just like every other day. Being strong, and the pain is more of a dull ache now, after so many years coping without you. Needing you, but finding a cold pillow and an empty heart.
I look away, trying to clear my head and not cry. But that’s when the gate swings open, and you’re there. I still recognise you. My eyes fill with tears, partly from anger, partly from hurt, partly from relief. And so much of me just wants to throw myself into your arms and never let go for as long as I live. But it’s not that simple. I almost give a hollow laugh at that, nothing ever is that simple, is it? The other half of me wants to hurt you, hates you for coming today. You walk in slowly, nothing of surprise shows on your face, no emotion at all. Not even when you see me. I want to curl up and die at the hollowness in your eyes, so much of me wants it to be the distance between us, but I know how expressive your eyes truly are.
I can’t move, either away from or towards you. A silence gathers around us and I see Molly’s grip tighten on Rachel’s shoulder. She breaks the silence.
“Mum, who’s that?”
My heart really does break then, no matter how much I thought you might have broken it, I was wrong, so wrong. The tears in my eyes flow freely now and you stare at me in amazement, every fibre of my being screams for relief from this, so I can tell you she’s your daughter, there’s no one else. Maybe you already know.
Minerva gently guides me inside, you follow; I can feel your eyes burning into me. She leaves us alone, and I wipe away my tears before turning to you. I stare for a long moment, drinking in your appearance, I know you’re doing the same and thought gives me hope, a new hope. But your eyes still hold a hollowness that should never have been there.
“She’s your daughter,” I offer, surprised at how steady my own voice sounds.
You only stare, but it seems to break the silence.
“Then… why?” you ask.
I swallow, tears filling my eyes again. I can’t do this, not now. It’s not fair.
“It’s her birthday today,” I say, “I should be with her.”
But we both know I mean we should. I attempt to walk past you; furiously blinking and rubbing tear stains from my cheeks. But you stop me with just your hand on my arm.
“Hermione…”
Something between a gasp and choke escapes my lips. I had no idea how much I missed hearing you say my name. But anger surfaces from that emotion, raw anger, hurt and pain all rolled together. And twelve years of emotion don’t just disappear.
“Because it wasn’t you!” I snap viciously, “You stopped being you, you stopped loving me!”
I’m surprised at the shrillness of my own voice, and how much I need to hurt you back. But I’m glad of the emotion on your face; you can feel again.
“Because I was alone carrying a child that was part of you, part of the empty shell you were. I don’t know. Because I was a carrying a child I wasn’t sure you were capable of loving! Because you shut me out, and left me alone. Because I needed you and you didn’t need me. Because I was scared, lost and scared. Because I’d lost my best friend, and then I was losing you. Because I’d lost everything,” I hissed.
You stare again, but I can only see your pain, see the pain I needed to cause. And it still hurts; only now it hurts more. I feel hot tears burning a path across my skin.
“Because I’d lost you, and I couldn’t do anything to get you back. Because I’d failed!” I shout between shuddering breaths. “Because- ”
You stop anything else I might have wanted to say by pressing you lips to mine. And suddenly I’m in your arms, kissing you back, trying to erase twelve years of pain with just a kiss. But I push you away; it’s not that simple, after all. But you keep your arms locked around me. You won’t let me go.
“No,” you whisper, “I can’t lose you again. I won’t lose you again. It wasn’t me, but this is me, this is me. Because I’m sorry. So, so sorry. And I’ll fight for you, the rest of my life. You’re still everything.”
I push you away forcefully, I can’t just do this.
“Twelve years,” I say, “Twelve years where I couldn’t bear to be without you. But it doesn’t make it alright now.”
You interrupt before I can go on. Needing to say this just as much as I did.
“I was there, I was there through it all. I never left you, I couldn’t. It took me long enough to come back to myself, to realise everything I’d done, and it was all right. You said everything I already knew. But I won’t leave you again. Because I can’t. I never stopped loving you, and I won’t ever. But I need to be there for you, and it got harder to come back. It was harder to understand, you never told me why.”
I try to process everything you’re saying, but it’s all just blur. I don’t want this. I do want this. I need this.
“I was scared,” I say simply, half to myself.
“I know,” you murmur, “And I wasn’t there to take it away, and that was my fault. But, I’m here now, right like then, and I want to make this work. Because I wanted to be there for you, I always will. Let me in, Hermione, I need this just as much as you.”
“But where does this leave us?”
You smile slightly before replying, “At the beginning.”
You take my hand; your other brushes away my tears, before you press your lips to mine slightly. I don’t want it to be so sudden, so simple, so forgiving. But I know I could have it no other way. You’re back. You tug me gently through a familiar room, outside to where we have some explaining to do. But you‘re here for me now, and it’ll hurt more, and it’ll be hard. But you’re there to take my hand, just like you were at the beginning, and we’ll work through it, and hope against hope that we get back to how we were.
A/N: Sorry. I hate angst, I don’t ever read it if I can help it so I’m not very good. Constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated.
. HBP compliant. I think I'm getting there with HBP. Rating K - sad but bearable.Summary: When things change, when people change, someone has to bite the bullet and say goodbye… Post last battle. Includes insinuations of Harry’s death. Some ADMM.
Because you aren’t you
The click of the lock on the last of my trunks makes you stir a little, and I freeze, like a rabbit caught in headlights. But you sleep on and I breathe again. Odd isn’t it, me, afraid of you waking. Me: the independent, strong Gryffindor who would fight you in everything, running away. Only I’m not really running from you, because you aren’t you, not anymore. You’ve changed from the redheaded, freckled boy with dirt on his nose that I fell in love with. You’ve changed since the war has ended. I almost laugh every time I think that. And it would be a bitter tinted laugh. Everyone has changed; the war has left invisible scars on everyone and has torn away our innocence without care. But his death hit everyone the hardest, even though we knew it was coming.
His death hit you with an unimaginable force; it ripped you apart and left me your empty shell. It’s been six months now but you can’t move on, you can’t let go, you can’t say goodbye to him. When he died it was as if you lost your will to live. At first it didn’t sink in, it was like nothing had happened. The war was over and we had both survived. Harry had not and we grieved for him, together. We were still together and we would always be together. But it slowly crept up on you, you became withdrawn from me and your emotions were always close to the surface. You felt guilty, you felt like it was your fault, our fault, even. We should have found another way, there had to be another way. Your sister had lost the love of her life, and was still grieving. And you blamed yourself. A month was all it took and I had lost you. All you ever did was sit and think, sit and blame yourself.
So that’s what’s brought me here. I’m sitting at our tiny kitchen table with a half empty cup of lukewarm tea. Sitting with my trunks packed and my heart in pieces. I’ve lost you. I’ve failed. And even now my disgust at my own failure is still there, still left from our years at Hogwarts. I’ve failed you because I can’t help you. I still love you, the real you, but the person you are now does not love me. And I just can’t face another day like this. This is goodbye for now, but I know I will never stop loving you. Never stop waiting for you to return to me. And now that the time has come to do it, I just can’t. A flick of my wand a murmured spell banishes my belongings to your family’s house. I’ll explain everything to Molly, she’ll understand. I have nowhere else to go, Voldemort had both of my parents killed. I go to the couch to wake you; you fell asleep there again last night. But I can’t do it, I don’t want to say goodbye.
“He’s changed, he’s not who you fell in love with,” I tell myself. But I still don’t want to leave.
And although it’s summer the house feels cold. I feel cold inside. The house is bare in places, like half of it is missing, and in a way it is. I am missing from the house we share - shared. The only sign that I was ever here is my empty cup on the table. Still I stand staring at you. I can’t wake you and let go, but I can’t live without you. And my determination fails me as I walk back into the kitchen.
A murmured spell later and there’s a piece of parchment on the table waiting for me. I pick up a quill from the table, and hold it above the paper. There’s nothing I can write to change the fact that I’m leaving. And nothing to change the fact that the tiny life inside of me will grow for goodness knows how long without a father. How does one say I love you but I have to leave; that I’m leaving but I want to be with you, the real you? How can I do this? When we married it was for better for worse. Why can’t I stay and help you work through this? Because I have already, and you won’t let me in, because you aren’t Ron anymore, there’s nothing of you left.
So I steel myself to explain to you that I will always wait for you, that I will always love you. But there’s only one thing that I can really write. You will know where to find me and why I have gone. So the only fitting thing is Goodbye. I feel tears stinging in the back of my eyes as I put the quill back down. This is it, and I know deep inside that one day you will fight for me, and come back to me. I will be waiting. I reach up to the clasp of my locket, the present you gave me on our first anniversary and untie it. Placing it on top of the letter I walk towards the fireplace with tears streaming down my cheeks. I cannot look back, because if I do I will never be able to leave.
In a few hours you will wake to this empty house, and will see my note on the table. I pray that you understand. I pray that you will forgive me for being too weak, too scared, to stay. I throw a handful of floo powder into the fire and whisper “The Burrow” as I step inside.
*~*~*~*
When I arrive at the burrow I find Molly stood in her dressing gown in front of me. She sees my tears. She knows what it’s been like, she knows that you have changed and withdrawn yourself from everyone.
“I’ve left him,” I whisper, heartbroken.
She pulls me into a hug, “He’ll come back, he loves you,” she replies.
I give a weak smile before pulling away.
“For me and our baby.”
How We Were
‘Surprise!’ I call along with everyone else, and join in singing Happy Birthday to my beautiful daughter, Rachel.
I smile through it all, and I’m happy I really am. But there’s still you missing. Still the emptiness where you should be. But it’s our daughter’s eleventh birthday, and she received her Hogwarts letter just this morning. You’d have loved to have seen her face light up. She’s so much like me, and yet so much like you. She’s really looking forward to school, but with your... reluctance at times. She looks like you, and they’ll all see it. Except for you. Because no one will tell you, because no one knows.
No one knows where you are, have been for almost twelve years. A week after I left you disappeared. You came to see Molly to say goodbye, but she didn’t even get chance to stop you. So here I am, where we should be, watching everyone fuss over our little girl. Even now the only place I want to be is with her, with you with me. But I’m not sure you even know she exists. Tears fill my eyes as they do every time I think of that. And to most it just looks like happy tears. But they aren’t, I’m still not over you, and I still love you.
I feel a gentle hand on my back. It’s Minerva. The only one who can come close to understanding how I feel, and how I still love you. But it’s still different for her. She lost Professor Dumbledore in our sixth year, but he died, still loving and needing her. I lost you, you’re just out of reach and I was helpless. You didn’t still love and need me. She knows why I cry, even now. She knows that when it’s the one, it never goes away. And she’s been such a comfort to me, cried with me, been angry for me, held me when all I needed was you. Without ever so much a thought of how much she needed Albus, they’d had their lives together and she still needed him.
Everyone knows I still love you; else I wouldn’t still be here, living with your parents bringing up our daughter. And she understands so well, even now, that you do love us both, but it’s just taking you some time to remember that. And that when you can, you’ll be back. And I honestly believe that, because something has to get me through the long days, the lonely nights. I can’t bear to tell her you might not know about her, if the thought tears me apart I can’t imagine what it might do to her.
So I get through today just like every other day. Being strong, and the pain is more of a dull ache now, after so many years coping without you. Needing you, but finding a cold pillow and an empty heart.
I look away, trying to clear my head and not cry. But that’s when the gate swings open, and you’re there. I still recognise you. My eyes fill with tears, partly from anger, partly from hurt, partly from relief. And so much of me just wants to throw myself into your arms and never let go for as long as I live. But it’s not that simple. I almost give a hollow laugh at that, nothing ever is that simple, is it? The other half of me wants to hurt you, hates you for coming today. You walk in slowly, nothing of surprise shows on your face, no emotion at all. Not even when you see me. I want to curl up and die at the hollowness in your eyes, so much of me wants it to be the distance between us, but I know how expressive your eyes truly are.
I can’t move, either away from or towards you. A silence gathers around us and I see Molly’s grip tighten on Rachel’s shoulder. She breaks the silence.
“Mum, who’s that?”
My heart really does break then, no matter how much I thought you might have broken it, I was wrong, so wrong. The tears in my eyes flow freely now and you stare at me in amazement, every fibre of my being screams for relief from this, so I can tell you she’s your daughter, there’s no one else. Maybe you already know.
Minerva gently guides me inside, you follow; I can feel your eyes burning into me. She leaves us alone, and I wipe away my tears before turning to you. I stare for a long moment, drinking in your appearance, I know you’re doing the same and thought gives me hope, a new hope. But your eyes still hold a hollowness that should never have been there.
“She’s your daughter,” I offer, surprised at how steady my own voice sounds.
You only stare, but it seems to break the silence.
“Then… why?” you ask.
I swallow, tears filling my eyes again. I can’t do this, not now. It’s not fair.
“It’s her birthday today,” I say, “I should be with her.”
But we both know I mean we should. I attempt to walk past you; furiously blinking and rubbing tear stains from my cheeks. But you stop me with just your hand on my arm.
“Hermione…”
Something between a gasp and choke escapes my lips. I had no idea how much I missed hearing you say my name. But anger surfaces from that emotion, raw anger, hurt and pain all rolled together. And twelve years of emotion don’t just disappear.
“Because it wasn’t you!” I snap viciously, “You stopped being you, you stopped loving me!”
I’m surprised at the shrillness of my own voice, and how much I need to hurt you back. But I’m glad of the emotion on your face; you can feel again.
“Because I was alone carrying a child that was part of you, part of the empty shell you were. I don’t know. Because I was a carrying a child I wasn’t sure you were capable of loving! Because you shut me out, and left me alone. Because I needed you and you didn’t need me. Because I was scared, lost and scared. Because I’d lost my best friend, and then I was losing you. Because I’d lost everything,” I hissed.
You stare again, but I can only see your pain, see the pain I needed to cause. And it still hurts; only now it hurts more. I feel hot tears burning a path across my skin.
“Because I’d lost you, and I couldn’t do anything to get you back. Because I’d failed!” I shout between shuddering breaths. “Because- ”
You stop anything else I might have wanted to say by pressing you lips to mine. And suddenly I’m in your arms, kissing you back, trying to erase twelve years of pain with just a kiss. But I push you away; it’s not that simple, after all. But you keep your arms locked around me. You won’t let me go.
“No,” you whisper, “I can’t lose you again. I won’t lose you again. It wasn’t me, but this is me, this is me. Because I’m sorry. So, so sorry. And I’ll fight for you, the rest of my life. You’re still everything.”
I push you away forcefully, I can’t just do this.
“Twelve years,” I say, “Twelve years where I couldn’t bear to be without you. But it doesn’t make it alright now.”
You interrupt before I can go on. Needing to say this just as much as I did.
“I was there, I was there through it all. I never left you, I couldn’t. It took me long enough to come back to myself, to realise everything I’d done, and it was all right. You said everything I already knew. But I won’t leave you again. Because I can’t. I never stopped loving you, and I won’t ever. But I need to be there for you, and it got harder to come back. It was harder to understand, you never told me why.”
I try to process everything you’re saying, but it’s all just blur. I don’t want this. I do want this. I need this.
“I was scared,” I say simply, half to myself.
“I know,” you murmur, “And I wasn’t there to take it away, and that was my fault. But, I’m here now, right like then, and I want to make this work. Because I wanted to be there for you, I always will. Let me in, Hermione, I need this just as much as you.”
“But where does this leave us?”
You smile slightly before replying, “At the beginning.”
You take my hand; your other brushes away my tears, before you press your lips to mine slightly. I don’t want it to be so sudden, so simple, so forgiving. But I know I could have it no other way. You’re back. You tug me gently through a familiar room, outside to where we have some explaining to do. But you‘re here for me now, and it’ll hurt more, and it’ll be hard. But you’re there to take my hand, just like you were at the beginning, and we’ll work through it, and hope against hope that we get back to how we were.
A/N: Sorry. I hate angst, I don’t ever read it if I can help it so I’m not very good. Constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated.