Post by EloquentPhoenix on Dec 17, 2005 18:43:01 GMT -5
A/N: I wrote this months ago and forgot about it because it needed serious editing. Was in the mood tonight and had time to kill. So here it is. Edit: I'm blaming how late at night it was for the mistakes in this.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
If I should stay,
I would only be in your way.
Leaving here is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and it’s all I can do to not cry. To not break down sobbing forever. Because you’re the reason I live, the reason I get up in the morning with the hope that today you will love me. Crying, it seems so unreal for me to cry, but you have seen my tears before. You know that I can cry, that I do care and that I only appear strong on the outside. And I am strong, but I’m not always strong. Now is the perfect time for my strength to keep my tears at bay. And inside I scream to myself to stop being pathetic, only I don’t listen, because being near you is enough to make me ignore everything I have always believed in.
I grew up thinking this would never happen to me, and on the outside, to everyone else, it would seem it never did. On the outside I am strong, independent; I need no one. I have few friends, and the few I do have know it’s hard for me to trust people. But on the inside I am somewhat less strong. We have been friends; best friends even, for decades and I rely on you more than I care to think of. We support each other even if we disagree, just as friends should.
But I have fallen in love with you. How can I not love you? How is it possible for me not to fall in love with the brilliant man you are? And I do love you. You’re one of the few people who can make me laugh, and the only one I don’t try to hide it from. You know the real me. You had the patience to wait until I felt I trusted you enough, and all the walls I built around myself came crumbling down. You have seen me laugh and cry, you can make me laugh and cry. Me loving you gave you that power.
Only you can’t love me. You can’t love me. Even now it doesn’t sink in. Even as I walk down these halls for the last time, as I walk away from you forever. Only now it’s harder not to cry because I have to walk away. And I’m going to do it, walk away from the only man I will ever love. Close to you for the last time. The last place on earth I want to be right now. But the only place I will ever want to be; the closest place to you. I shouldn’t run away, it’s the first time in my life I have run from something I am afraid of. And the last time. The fear that you will never love me strikes into me like a blunt knife every time I think of it. So I run from you and my fear before you have the chance to find out the truth. I can’t survive this war with you, because my fear of you being ripped from my life and never knowing how I feel is much greater. It’s easier to go away and pretend I don’t love you. Perhaps it’s that fear I’m running from. And lets face it; we both know you don’t need me rebuilding our friendship right now. Even if I did tell you, why would you love me?
So I'll go, but I know
I'll think of you every step of the way.
I have sent you my resignation; you will receive it by owl soon. And all I could send you was my resignation, I couldn’t even say goodbye. You will understand, one day. But you have always understood me; you can read all my thoughts in my eyes. Only now they are clouded with tears, ones that I stubbornly keep at bay. All I can think of is you, nothing new there some might think. But I am a little more restrained than that, but in truth my thoughts do often rest on you. And now I have to think of you, because I have to remember every moment I ever spent in your presence. I’m acting like a teenager who has found out her first crush has no interest in her. Only it’s so much more than that, you’re so much more than that to me. And I can’t help it, I don’t care that my emotions are obvious now; I only care about you.
And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
You, my darling you.
The corridor stretches miles ahead of me. A tear snakes down my cheek but the only thing I can think of is how much I love you. How much I need you, physically need you near me. But I walk, and halfway there I feel like I have been walking for hours. My very soul wants me to turn and run to you. Only my body keeps walking and half of me wants to run from here. I love you more with each step. But I can’t tell you. I will never be able to say those words to you. And I’ll never hear them from you. But I learned to live with that a long time ago.
Bittersweet memories
That is all I'm taking with me.
Every image of you is burned into my soul, and each one repeats a million times with every heartbeat. All I can think is how much I love you. The memory of every good time we have ever shared in the last few decades is bittersweet. A cloud of happiness surrounded by the depths of despair around me now. I let the tear remain, but refuse myself the luxury of more. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care about anything anymore. Anything but you. I remember every chess game I ever beat you at, every laugh we ever shared, every brush of your fingertips against mine and every single word you have ever spoken to me. I remember every time you made me laugh; all the times loving you has made me cry; every time we have shared a thought; every time you ever teased me. And we both know I only pretend to hate it when you tease me. You wouldn’t think I was so sentimental would you, thinking like this. But I’m different because of you, I have changed because of how much stronger you made me. I’m not scared to show my emotions more, you taught me to be like that. You opened my shell, allowed me live. Until I fell in love with you.
So, goodbye. Please, don't cry.
We both know I'm not what you, you need.
And I reach the end of the corridor from my chambers; stopping is inevitable. I look back, all of me praying that you’re there; your arms open wide for me to run into. Only you aren’t, I know that without looking. But I look anyway. And I’m right. Stop crying I tell myself and, for once, I listen. The tears stop coming to my eyes but I don’t bother to wipe away the one already staining my skin. And, in truth, I know that even if you did love me we couldn’t be together through this. It’s too dangerous and I couldn’t place the worry on your shoulders. I fail to see that you will worry just as much anyway. Neither of us needs this I find myself thinking.
“Goodbye,” I whisper, hoping you and your all-knowingness will know it’s for you.
And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
“I love you,” I say out loud. I know you won’t hear it or say it back. But I say it just the same.
“I will always love you,” I say. And somehow it helps me to start to walk away again.
I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of.
And I wish to you, joy and happiness.
But above all this, I wish you love.
I wish for you. I wish you survive this war and afterwards you find someone you love. She will never love you like I do, but I want you to be happy. Thoughts like this rip into me, but I find myself thinking them anyway. I wish that you get the happy ending you deserve, that you survive and I wish a million other things. And I still haven’t stepped from the top of the stairs. I can’t move; it’s as if something is making me wait. Be happy, Albus.
And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I, I will always love you.
That’s when you appear at the end of the corridor, as if from nowhere. Because I allowed myself to think about everything, because I didn’t leave quickly, because I needed to be near you for just a little longer you have found me. You know, I see it written all over your face. I look at you pleadingly, and you seem shocked at how weak I am being. I guess it is different for me. I can stand my ground, but I don’t want to with you.
“Minerva, no!” you say as you see me start to go, almost running from you, my best friend, my one true love. One true love, its not like me to think like that, only that’s what you are, just because I am strong and independent doesn’t mean I can’t love someone.
You catch up with me quickly and I do start to run now, so fast that I forget about the trick step and sink up to my ankle. I give you a piercing no-nonsense glare; one that says if you ever tell anyone about this you will pay. And for that moment everything is back to normal, I’m back to normal, I am myself again and I am loving you but just not telling you. Only reality sinks in, ironic really, both reality and me are sinking. You take my hand and help me to pull myself out, only you don’t let go.
“What’s going on, Minerva?” you ask.
An uncharacteristic blush forms on my cheeks and I look away from you.
“Minerva,” you say warningly.
“I have to go, Albus, trust me,” I reply; only you don’t accept the answer.
“I do trust you, but this is the first time in twenty years you have done something with no reason. Talk to me, Minerva,” you plead.
“I have to go, Albus, I will miss the train,” I say in full teacher mode.
I have always had to hide how much I love you when I’m near you, so this is no problem. It’s when I’m away from you I can’t hide it. I pull away from you but you keep hold and I’m pulled harshly back to you. You look hurt, I can see it in your eyes and I have hurt you by doing this.
“Minerva, just tell me, please. How long have we known each other? It can’t be that bad,” you insist.
It’s only then I realise how close I am to you, how much I need to be closer, how much I have to tell you.
I just look at you, willing you to see.
“You’re running away.”
A spark of anger ignites in my eyes. I open my mouth to speak but you quickly cover the distance between us, pressing your lips to mine. Then start to lead me back to your office. I am struck dumb. You continue talking to me, but I only catch snatches of what you’re saying.
“… and leaving with no good reason…”
“..would I find another transfiguration professor up to your standard at…”
It’s only then when I notice the look in your eyes, you’re teasing me, even now still teasing me. I stop you in an instance, turning to you.
“You are shameless, Albus Dumbledore,” I say before closing the distance between us again.
You, darling, I love you.
Ooh, I'll always, I'll always love you.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
I Will Always Love You
If I should stay,
I would only be in your way.
Leaving here is the hardest thing I have ever had to do and it’s all I can do to not cry. To not break down sobbing forever. Because you’re the reason I live, the reason I get up in the morning with the hope that today you will love me. Crying, it seems so unreal for me to cry, but you have seen my tears before. You know that I can cry, that I do care and that I only appear strong on the outside. And I am strong, but I’m not always strong. Now is the perfect time for my strength to keep my tears at bay. And inside I scream to myself to stop being pathetic, only I don’t listen, because being near you is enough to make me ignore everything I have always believed in.
I grew up thinking this would never happen to me, and on the outside, to everyone else, it would seem it never did. On the outside I am strong, independent; I need no one. I have few friends, and the few I do have know it’s hard for me to trust people. But on the inside I am somewhat less strong. We have been friends; best friends even, for decades and I rely on you more than I care to think of. We support each other even if we disagree, just as friends should.
But I have fallen in love with you. How can I not love you? How is it possible for me not to fall in love with the brilliant man you are? And I do love you. You’re one of the few people who can make me laugh, and the only one I don’t try to hide it from. You know the real me. You had the patience to wait until I felt I trusted you enough, and all the walls I built around myself came crumbling down. You have seen me laugh and cry, you can make me laugh and cry. Me loving you gave you that power.
Only you can’t love me. You can’t love me. Even now it doesn’t sink in. Even as I walk down these halls for the last time, as I walk away from you forever. Only now it’s harder not to cry because I have to walk away. And I’m going to do it, walk away from the only man I will ever love. Close to you for the last time. The last place on earth I want to be right now. But the only place I will ever want to be; the closest place to you. I shouldn’t run away, it’s the first time in my life I have run from something I am afraid of. And the last time. The fear that you will never love me strikes into me like a blunt knife every time I think of it. So I run from you and my fear before you have the chance to find out the truth. I can’t survive this war with you, because my fear of you being ripped from my life and never knowing how I feel is much greater. It’s easier to go away and pretend I don’t love you. Perhaps it’s that fear I’m running from. And lets face it; we both know you don’t need me rebuilding our friendship right now. Even if I did tell you, why would you love me?
So I'll go, but I know
I'll think of you every step of the way.
I have sent you my resignation; you will receive it by owl soon. And all I could send you was my resignation, I couldn’t even say goodbye. You will understand, one day. But you have always understood me; you can read all my thoughts in my eyes. Only now they are clouded with tears, ones that I stubbornly keep at bay. All I can think of is you, nothing new there some might think. But I am a little more restrained than that, but in truth my thoughts do often rest on you. And now I have to think of you, because I have to remember every moment I ever spent in your presence. I’m acting like a teenager who has found out her first crush has no interest in her. Only it’s so much more than that, you’re so much more than that to me. And I can’t help it, I don’t care that my emotions are obvious now; I only care about you.
And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
You, my darling you.
The corridor stretches miles ahead of me. A tear snakes down my cheek but the only thing I can think of is how much I love you. How much I need you, physically need you near me. But I walk, and halfway there I feel like I have been walking for hours. My very soul wants me to turn and run to you. Only my body keeps walking and half of me wants to run from here. I love you more with each step. But I can’t tell you. I will never be able to say those words to you. And I’ll never hear them from you. But I learned to live with that a long time ago.
Bittersweet memories
That is all I'm taking with me.
Every image of you is burned into my soul, and each one repeats a million times with every heartbeat. All I can think is how much I love you. The memory of every good time we have ever shared in the last few decades is bittersweet. A cloud of happiness surrounded by the depths of despair around me now. I let the tear remain, but refuse myself the luxury of more. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care about anything anymore. Anything but you. I remember every chess game I ever beat you at, every laugh we ever shared, every brush of your fingertips against mine and every single word you have ever spoken to me. I remember every time you made me laugh; all the times loving you has made me cry; every time we have shared a thought; every time you ever teased me. And we both know I only pretend to hate it when you tease me. You wouldn’t think I was so sentimental would you, thinking like this. But I’m different because of you, I have changed because of how much stronger you made me. I’m not scared to show my emotions more, you taught me to be like that. You opened my shell, allowed me live. Until I fell in love with you.
So, goodbye. Please, don't cry.
We both know I'm not what you, you need.
And I reach the end of the corridor from my chambers; stopping is inevitable. I look back, all of me praying that you’re there; your arms open wide for me to run into. Only you aren’t, I know that without looking. But I look anyway. And I’m right. Stop crying I tell myself and, for once, I listen. The tears stop coming to my eyes but I don’t bother to wipe away the one already staining my skin. And, in truth, I know that even if you did love me we couldn’t be together through this. It’s too dangerous and I couldn’t place the worry on your shoulders. I fail to see that you will worry just as much anyway. Neither of us needs this I find myself thinking.
“Goodbye,” I whisper, hoping you and your all-knowingness will know it’s for you.
And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
“I love you,” I say out loud. I know you won’t hear it or say it back. But I say it just the same.
“I will always love you,” I say. And somehow it helps me to start to walk away again.
I hope life treats you kind
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of.
And I wish to you, joy and happiness.
But above all this, I wish you love.
I wish for you. I wish you survive this war and afterwards you find someone you love. She will never love you like I do, but I want you to be happy. Thoughts like this rip into me, but I find myself thinking them anyway. I wish that you get the happy ending you deserve, that you survive and I wish a million other things. And I still haven’t stepped from the top of the stairs. I can’t move; it’s as if something is making me wait. Be happy, Albus.
And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I, I will always love you.
That’s when you appear at the end of the corridor, as if from nowhere. Because I allowed myself to think about everything, because I didn’t leave quickly, because I needed to be near you for just a little longer you have found me. You know, I see it written all over your face. I look at you pleadingly, and you seem shocked at how weak I am being. I guess it is different for me. I can stand my ground, but I don’t want to with you.
“Minerva, no!” you say as you see me start to go, almost running from you, my best friend, my one true love. One true love, its not like me to think like that, only that’s what you are, just because I am strong and independent doesn’t mean I can’t love someone.
You catch up with me quickly and I do start to run now, so fast that I forget about the trick step and sink up to my ankle. I give you a piercing no-nonsense glare; one that says if you ever tell anyone about this you will pay. And for that moment everything is back to normal, I’m back to normal, I am myself again and I am loving you but just not telling you. Only reality sinks in, ironic really, both reality and me are sinking. You take my hand and help me to pull myself out, only you don’t let go.
“What’s going on, Minerva?” you ask.
An uncharacteristic blush forms on my cheeks and I look away from you.
“Minerva,” you say warningly.
“I have to go, Albus, trust me,” I reply; only you don’t accept the answer.
“I do trust you, but this is the first time in twenty years you have done something with no reason. Talk to me, Minerva,” you plead.
“I have to go, Albus, I will miss the train,” I say in full teacher mode.
I have always had to hide how much I love you when I’m near you, so this is no problem. It’s when I’m away from you I can’t hide it. I pull away from you but you keep hold and I’m pulled harshly back to you. You look hurt, I can see it in your eyes and I have hurt you by doing this.
“Minerva, just tell me, please. How long have we known each other? It can’t be that bad,” you insist.
It’s only then I realise how close I am to you, how much I need to be closer, how much I have to tell you.
I just look at you, willing you to see.
“You’re running away.”
A spark of anger ignites in my eyes. I open my mouth to speak but you quickly cover the distance between us, pressing your lips to mine. Then start to lead me back to your office. I am struck dumb. You continue talking to me, but I only catch snatches of what you’re saying.
“… and leaving with no good reason…”
“..would I find another transfiguration professor up to your standard at…”
It’s only then when I notice the look in your eyes, you’re teasing me, even now still teasing me. I stop you in an instance, turning to you.
“You are shameless, Albus Dumbledore,” I say before closing the distance between us again.
You, darling, I love you.
Ooh, I'll always, I'll always love you.
